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Oh, Dark Lord,

I know we are approaching the end, and it’s pretty obvious you are speeding things up as we descend in to the anus of the apocalypse. While everyone is searching for Biblical signs of the end of the world, I’ve got you sussed, Mr Devil.

That’s right, I know that the four horsemen aren’t actually going to be riding horses, and most of them aren’t even men, and I was disappointed to find out that they weren’t half horse, half man.
Yes, you have done a fantastic job of fooling the rest of the world, but you can’t fool me Beelzebutt... Oh, that’s right! I just insulted you.

Right here, as an exclusive in this open letter, I am going to reveal the four horsemen (or horsepeople if you want to be politically correct) of the apocalypse.

Horseperson one: The White Horse (Conquest/Pestilence)

This dark rider has opened up the way for the other horsethings of the apocalypse. Most people believe that the evil will start from a land ridden with turmoil and conflict. How wrong they were. You were extremely clever, Mr Satan, making the White Horse come from Canada.
That’s right, Conquest (otherwise known as Pestilence) does not come from the Middle East, Asia, or any other country that is deemed an enemy to the United States. No, it comes from that land of free health care and the polite, brings with it a fever.

The titles of Conquest and Pestilence are very appropriate for the White Horse, as he not only paved the way for the other doom bringers, but he spread a disease throughout the children of Earth, forcing them to follow him to the end of time.

That’s right, Mr Satan, I know that the White Horse is Justin Bieber, bringer of Bieber Fever of which there is no known cure!

HorsePerson two: The Red Horse (War)

I’ve noticed a pattern with your Horsepeople, Lucifer. You are aiming them all at the youth of today. Very clever, yet it seems you have chosen the easy path. Maybe you aren’t so clever after all.

The second horseperson, War, is inciting violence in a very influential way, and the children are eating it like bowl of Coco Pops. Just like a chocolate milkshake, only deadly.
This horsemen is convincing kids, and some easily influenced adults, to perform violence disguised in the act of dance. To the kids it looks like fun, but they have no idea that the consequence of this dance move could mean death to us all.

They say repetition is the most basic form of mind control, well the Red Horse is a master of it as you can see.

Yes, the Red Horse of War is Willow Smith.

Horseperson three: The Black Horse (Famine)

How clever you were to unleash the Black Horse of Famine on the world when it was least expected. Oh, how clever you were to use this horse as a distraction while you set off natural disasters around the world which, in turn, would raise the price of food. You are very sneaky!
This horseperson has made the world throw up and not want to eat.

No one saw this coming, but even the name gives it away. Yes, Satan (why do you have so many names? Do you have split personalities? Seriously, pick a name you like, and stick with it...), I know that Rebecca Black is Famine. And I’m not the only one who has seen the evil, for instance here someone has discovered that you actually prophecied both the Japanese earthquake and the end of the world (December 21st, 2012, which happens to be..... a FRIDAY!!!) through her song and video. Things get really freaky when you play the song backwards.

But you see, Lord Satan, if that is your real name, you have not yet succeeded in your mission with the Four Horsemen. I have discovered the last one, and will reveal them here so that we can have a preemptive strike against your evil.

Horseperson four: The Pale Horse (Death)

An angel of death comes as an angel of light. The fourth horse, Death, has yet to be unleashed to its full extent. Those of you who are reading this be warned, for the angel of death is upon us, and it’s name is Jenna Rose.

Please, Satan, I beg of you. Please call your horesmen back. I’m sure we can come to some kind of an arrangement. We’ll get Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan to throw you a huge party in Hell. But please, call your hosemen back. This is beyond Hell, and with the power that they will gain it won’t be long before they turn against you.
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