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November 18, 2013

A warning label from the pills you're about to take.

Dosage: Take two (2) pills every four (4) to six (6) hours. Do not exceed eight (8) pills in one day. Sixty-nine (69) pills is too many.


Instructions: Take orally with water.


Warnings: Do not take with any other drinks, even Vita Coco, no, wait, especially not Vita Coco. Do not look directly into any form of unnatural light while swallowing the pills. Seriously, DON’T. Do not attempt alternative forms of ingestion if you do not have a mouth - these pills are not suppositories.


Possible side effects may include: drowsiness, hyperactivity, nausea, enlarged appetite, diarrhea, constipation, suspiciously regular bathroom schedule, stunted growth, growth spurts, growing pains, needing to buy new clothes, shrinking, needing to return the new clothes you just bought, trying to craftily get your old clothes back from the weirdly secure clothes recycling bin, mood swings, mood slides, mood roundabouts, an uncanny ability to recite all of Nicholas Cage’s lines from Ghost Rider regardless of whether or not you have seen the movie, forgetfulness, bruising, frailty, super strength, the need to don a ridiculous costume and fight crime despite the fact that you normally couldn’t care less about other people, forgetfulness, more diarrhea, obsessive compulsive disorder, pregnancy (males only), depression, pression, repression, dehydration, superhydration, slightly dry skin, really dry skin, racial transformation (black to white, asian to black, white to asian, all other races turn blue), increased libido, self-obsession, compulsive masturbation, elongated orgasm, hours of crying, hair loss, ridicule from your classmates/coworkers/mother, being John Malkovich, deafness, blurred vision, blurred lines, knowing you want to, UTS (Uncontrollable Twerking Syndrome), suicidal tendencies, unusual optimism, inexplicable relentless defence of Pluto’s status as a planet, loneliness, overwhelming joy, popularity, a decreased ability to judge whether people actually like you or not, lack of creativity, lack of motivation, night blindness, illiteracy, kerwirctjnkjn, dyslexia, lysdexia (for those already with dyslexia), hatred towards those weird hairless cats, an aversion to wearing shirts in restaurants, further diarrhea, compulsion to buy a pet tarantula, arachnophobia, the impression that you can speak fluent Greek when really all you can do is a borderline racist imitation, repetitiveness, repetitiveness, repetitiveness, verrucas, the flu, the plague, cancer, excess perspiration, immortality, death.