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May 09, 2011

When you think about it, that guy was a real sleazebag.

We all grew up watching Saved by the Bell. It's the unfortunate truth of our lives that most of our knowledge of how high school is meant to function is based on the actions of Zack Morris. And while we just sat down and watched as he charmed his way in and out of predicaments, bagging floozy after floozy, in retrospect Zack Morris was one of the creepiest, most amoral humans to ever grace our impressionable young eyes. 

Here's a rundown of the most disturbing things he ever did:

1. Kept cardboard cutouts of the girl he was obsessed with in his closet, unbeknownst to said girl. 

2. Got jealous of a close friend's athletic prowess and consequently convinced that friend he had a terminal illness that can only be cured by leaving everyone he loved and giving up the only life he's enjoyed. 

3. Halted space and time just to say something to a camera that only he was aware of. (This seems to imply that he'd been secretly recording his life and the lives of others at all times for four years. Cameras in bedrooms, locker rooms, etc.)

4. Did not hesitate to brainwash hundreds of girls with subliminal messages regarding the fact that he is a blonde Tom Cruise.

5. Befriended school nerd but did not tell anyone why. Years later, he made out with the nerd's lifelong crush. It's called a long con.

6. After learning that his ancestors were Native American, he decided to honor his Native American mentor, who JUST DIED, by portraying Native Americans in the most stereotypical and racist way possible.


7. Regularly ruined the life of the man who stopped at nothing to see him succeed in both academics and as a contributing member of society. 

8. Dated a homeless girl he met in the mall, giving the impression that he had integrity. The girl was never seen or heard from again.

9. Dressed up as a woman in order to see girls changing.

10. Even in his wildest dreams, he fantasized about starting a band with his friends and achieving worldwide fame, only so he could abandon them and ruin their careers while he became a "Male Madonna."

That's it. I'm sure there's more, but this should get the dialogue going. Just look at this guy: