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February 26, 2017
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Calling Movie Night “Film Night” is the first red flag.

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1. He calls Movie Night “Film Night”

His idea of a movie date is going to an art house film you’ve never heard of. So you stage a tiny rebellion and sneak a thermos of White Russian into the theatre. When your boyfriend starts talking about the mise-en-scene, that’s your cue to suggest a game of Thermos Thoughts. A simple game where you sip anytime an actor stares longingly into the distance for over 10 seconds.

2. She has 12 Favorite Specialty Grocery Stores

You try pre-gaming an art gallery visit with a round of White Russians. But your GF refuses to participate because the milk isn’t organic soy-dandelion milk, and the ice cubes weren’t naturally formed in a local, artisanal spring. Besides,she brought her own drink. It’s organic soy-dandelion milk and it’s disgusting.

3. Role Play is more Role than Play

While your idea of a Thursday night date is a little music and a round of espresso martinis, your boyfriend prefers a little “collegiate role play.” Suddenly,he’s a tenured Ivy League poetry professor who’s in a band with his TA’s. He gets inspiration for a new poem and spends the rest of the night writing couplets about “the music of intelligent sexuality.”

4.She Thinks Indie Music is too Mainstream

To make a night in at the apartment more fun, you put on some music and pour a couple White Russians. But she always insists on choosing the music. And before you know it you’re listening to the stylings of Plastic Kiosk, a band that records exclusively on 80’s toy cassette recorders.

5.His Bike is Part of his Personality

He rides a specialty fixed gear bike– and he gives it more attention than you. If the bike is so great, why is he constantly working on it? It doesn’t have brakes or gears, what is he tuning up? And why is it that whenever you offer to make him a drink, he asks you to pour a Mind Eraser for his “fixy?”


Illustrations By Kevin Alvir

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