A guest op-ed from an athletic homophobe.
Nike fired boxer Manny Pacquiao for anti-gay statements and Adidas posted an ad of two chicks kissing, so I guess Nike and Adidas are gay now? Of course they are. Everything I love is turning gay and, as an athletic homophobe, I’m so freaking pissed off about it. Where the hell am I supposed to get my athletic equipment now?
You have to understand: I’m a fitness freak. I love running, working out, the outdoors, and just generally being athletic. And I’m truly afraid to the darkest, fractured core of my being that people will think I’m gay. What in the world am I gonna do? I had to throw out my Adidas ZX Flux trainers that I usually do my exercise in because they showed this photo of a few gay people probably kissing while wearing these shoes.
I’ve been wearing these shoes for the past three weeks! I wore them running by my church! I bought a pair for my mother! My son put them on and walked around in them clown-shoes-style screaming “I’m daddy! I’m daddy!” What a freaking disaster!
Not to be outdone, Nike, where I get all my high-performance tech gear for cold weather runs and hot summer jogs, is gay now too. Manny Pacquiao says one bad thing about gay couples and Nike drops him, thus taking the side of gays, thus making them gay, thus making my weekend workout outfit gay too! I wear my weekend workout outfit in front of my neighbors! I lay out my Nike clothes the night before my big weekend workout on my marital bed! My son sometimes puts on my weekend workout outfit and runs around the house screaming “I’m daddy! I’m daddy!” Like he’s in some sort of big city boy brothel! My FIRST BORN SON! Dear Lord, I’m screwed.
So now all my workout gear and shoes are unusable. But I can’t give up working out, it’s essential to my health and self image. And I can’t go to the gym naked, all sorts of things could go wrong (with my balls mostly). And I can’t workout at home, my wife and kids annoy me. Therefore, I’m going to have to find an exercise gear company that isn’t gay like Nike and Adidas.
As a service to my fellow workout freak homophobes who don’t want to have to tell their son to take off daddy’s workout gear because it’s gay now, here’s a list of other athletic apparel companies and how gay I think they might be.
Reebok is owned by Adidas, so Reebok = gay by association.
The company’s name is an acronym for some LA-DEE-DAH Latin phrase. Latin is cool and old-school but acronyms I’m not so sure about. They might not be outwardly “gay,” but do I want my son walking around making acronyms.
Acronym n. abbreviations used as a word or formed from the initial components in a phrase or word?
I don’t think so! Not until he’s out from under my roof!
There’s something about that italicized N that just ain’t “straight” haha, that was a joke. Us homophobes have fun too. But also NEW Balance sounds progressive, which sounds gay.
Now we’re talking! Good, salt-of-the-earth, Champion brand sweatshirts, sweatpants, and, um … ugh, the hell with it. I’m not about to wear Champion SHOES. I’ll get a stress fracture after five steps. I’d have better luck wearing a trash bag taped to a block of Styrofoam.
“Brooks was here” haha, I’m killing it! Shawshank rules so hard.
Who put this on here? This isn’t an athletic gear brand.
Another solid, blue-collar fitness-wear brand whose shoes I refuse to believe are any more substantive than computer paper stapled to an old baseball glove.
Fine, I’l wear Umbro.