Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s CEO, insists we can stop global warming by placing armed guards at the North and South poles. He acknowledges this will be costly, but feels the Earth should not be denied its Second Amendment Rights. “We focus too much on fossil fuel and methane,” La Pierre said at a brunch hosted by the Peace Corps. “To really save the planet we need to gun down global warming with AR-15 assault rifles.”
Mayors Against Illegal Guns was up in arms about this statement—to the degree this is possible when you’re vehemently against guns. “How is a TEC-9 going to prevent the polar caps from melting?” Mayor Bloomberg asked. “Forget casual gun enthusiasts…we need a background check on Mr. LaPierre.”
This statement incensed the Executive VP of the NRA, who went on to insist armed guards, “would scare the Earth cold” to the point where “we’d never again have to run our air conditioners.” LaPierre also blamed the recent meteor strike on an insufficient quantity of assault rifles in Russia’s Ural Mountains.
“Those meteors would never have the audacity to strike America,” he said. “They’re afraid to mess with 315 million gun-toting Americans who would use that pathetic space rock as target practice.” La Pierre closed by suggesting global warming merely needed to be “plugged with bullet holes” until it “cried for mercy” by America’s innumerable “good-Samaritan psychopaths.”
Vice President Joe Biden, who Obama cherry-picked to lead a task force to reduce gun violence, said “we will fully take into account the needs of both gun control advocates and law-abiding gun owners who don’t sound as crazy as Wayne LaPierre.” He then went quail hunting with Dick Cheney.
While some are happy with the White House’s anti-gun measures others are demanding more radical action. One group, C.W.T.T.N.R.A.S. (Citizens Who Think The NRA Sucks), are trying to convince Vice President Joe Biden to spearhead a new commission that would monitor Wayne La Pierre’s highly-active imagination. “His ideas are all gonzo,” a protester shouted while streaking nude across the White House lawn. “Guards carrying shotguns must surround LaPierre’s brain to ensure it doesn’t concoct any more tomfoolery.”
Others felt it necessary to send in a team of Navy Seals to assassinate Wayne La Pierre and dump his body in the Arabian Sea. They insist our snipers could follow a similar protocol to the one used in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden. “It sounds cruel,” said one Hare Krishna protestor clutching a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita, “but I honestly think LaPierre is the bigger criminal.”