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July 13, 2016

Cats are Satanic Fluff-Balls of Bullshit and Here’s Why

If you love cats, you are a brainwashed pushover and a sick fuck. Cats are evil pieces of sadistic garbage just waiting for their owners to either feed them or die so they can eat their dead corpses. Plus, when you’re naked, they swipe at your dick.

There are probably two million reasons to hate cats, but there are only two reasons to like them. Number one is obvious - the purring. People love to pet a cat until it purrs, because that’s like getting a compliment on how good they are at pettin’ shit.

The other reason is that cats are morons, and people like to film them whiff poorly judged leaps from the bed to dresser, follow lasers into windows, and try to paw at whoever’s tits are bouncing around on the TV.

Dogs are dumb as logs, too, but at least they can follow orders. Cats are so stupid they can’t even understand finger pointing. Hey, Asshole Cat, I’m not asking you to look at the tip of my finger, I’m pointing at the toilet I want you to flush yourself down.

Speaking of toilets, what would you rather eat if you had to pick one: dog shit or cat shit? Everyone says dog shit. I don’t know what that says about anything but I do know that’s fucked up.

And speaking of fucked up, cats are fucking drug addicts. Catnip is to cats as klonopin is to uppity, spoiled millennials who gotta beg their parents for more cash - they can’t get enough and they roll all over it on the ground for hours.

Cats are so fucking shady. Their retractable claws say it all - they love keeping shit from you, then springing it on you when it hurts the most.

All the most famous cats are Bullshitters Deluxe. Look at Catwoman - you never know whose side she’s on, and she’ll scratch the shit out of you at any point. I’m telling ya, one minute she’s sucking on Batman’s rubber nips, next minute she’s taking swipes at his bare dick.

And don’t tell me Garfield is a good guy - all that fat fucking cat does all day is torture his retarded owner John until that poor sad-bag agrees to cook up some lasagna for a goddam tabby.

Why is it that more people are allergic to cats than any other animal? Because cats want you to get sick and die. Cats love death. They kill animals and deliver their corpses to you. A lotta people say that’s a cat saying, “Thank you for the food and shelter,” but I know better - that’s a cat telling their owner, “If that food and shelter ever stops, this could be you, asshole.”

For every bird they drop at your door, there are ten they killed for the pure thrill of it. There’s a bird holocaust going on out there, and cats are the Nazis.

Also just like the Nazis: if given the chance, cats will start eating you within hours of your death. Plus, they eat their own puke (just like Nazis).

Cats feel nothing for you. They will gladly eat your food, but the second you try and tell them why your life sucks they start licking their assholes.

We gotta take cats out before they take over. I’m not saying kill them, I’m just saying get rid of them any way you have to - I truly don’t care how it’s done.

Just remember, cats don’t always land on their feet - sometimes they land on your dick. Claws out. Just like Nazis.

Via Medium.com