Marvel announced that Tony Stark isn’t gonna be Iron Man anymore. Iron Man is now a woman! And black!

And I’m effing pissed about it.

Not because I don’t think Iron Man should be a black woman — that’s cool. No. Marvel has bigger diversity issues on its hands, namely: when are we going to see an obese, lactose intolerant Hulk?

Like, come on, right? Think about it people! The Hulk is always drawn with an absolutely gorgeous body. Perfect pecs, arms, delts, lats- all the muscles. Look at this perfect physical specimen:


Giant green muscles? Just another unattainable superhero physique perpetuated by comic books!

But guess what, Marvel? No matter how hard they try (and believe me, I tried so, so hard) not everyone can look as ripped as the Hulk. If Marvel really wanted to be diverse, they’d do a new Hulk who’s got a BMI over 30. Imagine how inspiring that would be to chubby dudes everywhere? To see a flabby, giant man, crush bad guys in between his meaty, sausage fingers?

And yes, I’d like to see any of the Marvel characters overweight, but really, I would feel a lot better to see an obese Hulk. Just to know that even someone without a perfect body can be very angry and wear cutoff shorts. And I bet a lot of little boys across America feel the same way.

And while we’re at it, Riri, the new Iron Man? She’s not just a woman. Marvel made her a black woman, a one-two punch of diversity. So it makes no sense to me why Marvel has not introduced an obese Hulk who is also lactose intolerant yet!

Why has there never been a Marvel character who can’t digest dairy? I’m sure A LOT of people out there can relate to that. Way less than they can relate to a perfect physical specimen who can eat cheese whenever he wants! I mean, does this look like anyone you know:


Now, imagine he’s 1,600 pounds more than he is here, and he has to leave the fight because Bruce Banner had an ice cream cone thirty minutes ago and now he’s paying for it. That’s a superhero I can relate to!

I know there’s a lot of other groups that Marvel needs to represent, like Asian people and Muslims and transgendered people. But it would really make so many comic book fans out there feel a lot better if the Hulk was also unemployed. You know? There are never any scenes in the Avengers movies where the Hulk is constantly sending out resumes and hearing nothing back.

And would it kill them to represent bald people, too? I get that it doesn’t make sense for Thor to be bald, but why does the Hulk always have to have a full head of hair? Literally no one is tall enough to see that he’s bald up there anyways.

All I’m saying is, the Hulk is the least representative character in all of Marvel, because there is no one on Earth with a giant, green, sexy as hell body like that. Would it be so hard to make him an obese, lactose intolerant, unemployed, bald super hero? Because then Marvel would really be adding some diversity.