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August 22, 2015

This is what's wrong with corporate America. The world needs to know about this abomination.


“You wouldn’t believe what happened to Britt and I tonight… It’s simply a monstrosity and perfect example of how corporate America has zero care for the quality of their products. They simply conceal and lie to us all! I could go on and on, but I’ll just let you read the letter we wrote to their corporate office tonight. It goes as follows:

Friday, August 21, 2015

Attn: Complaints Dept
Vlasic Consumer Affairs P.O. Box 91000
Allentown, PA 18109

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would love to be writing you a good letter, but regrettably this is one of great displeasure. For quite sometime, I have been enjoying your scrumptious, delicious “petite” pickles. You see I have a taste for tiny foods. It is all I eat… To give you a better picture… Baby corn, baby carrots, cocktail weenies and those tiny little quiches you find in the frozen food section of your grocery story. My point being I can’t enjoy eating my meals unless I pretend to be a giant while eating it. So imagine my shock when I dove into my jar of mini-pickles to discover this obscenely large pickle staring back at me. I must admit I gasped in shock, I thought to myself “How could this be?”. It appears this giant pickle was strategically placed directly in the middle of the jar, hidden from sight, hidden from it’s lies. I felt betrayed, tricked into buying this large pickle. I don’t know how I could fit this pickle in my mouth let alone eat it in one sitting. Are left over pickles even safe to eat? I’ve never had this problem before, I couldn’t find anything about this on Google. The worst part, my wife walked by and said “Wow, now that’s a nice pickle.” I could tell she envied that jar.

This kept me up all night, thinking of all possible scenarios this could have happened. Was their machine malfunction, was there a disgruntled worker, did this somehow continue growing in the jar or was this somebodies sick idea of joke? When I finally got to sleep, oh the dreams that soon followed. I dreamt my large foe was the queen pickle, the smaller pickles being the worker pickles. When the picklers came to harvest the worker pickles, the queen was taken by mistake. Chaos ensued in the pickle colony as they could no longer produce more pickles. This entire colony soon collapsed causing the extinction of the “petite” pickle. I woke-up in cold sweat, still dazed and asking myself “Is this the end of the petite pickle?”. When I finally came too, I was left distraught by this ongoing unanswered mystery. "This shouldn’t have happened, it was completely an avoidable accident” I said to myself. Was your quality assure team sleeping on the job that day?

So my question for you my good sir or madam, how in the world could this have happened? While my incident can not be undone I hope this can help save other “tiny food enthusiasts” like myself the displeasure of this unacceptable situation.

I have attached photographic evidence of the below incident. I expect a full investigation to be done. I know Costco is a big reseller of your product, and I know they would be so very displeased to hear of such an incident. With that said, I hope we can come to some sort of acceptable outcome.

Thank you for your time. I will eagerly await your written reply. My mailing address can be found below.


— George Orais-Bonheimer