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March 28, 2011

Transcript of a conversation between a detractor of Paris Hilton and the call center operator who has to listen to it.

I imagine you’ve seen this woman before.

I rarely pay attention to this overexposed spooge-bucket, but I did once work for the hotel company founded by her great-grandfather.  I worked in the call center that took complaints from people all over the world about their hotel stays. It was a stressful and depressing job, but it was occasionally lightened up by “Paris calls” from detractors of Ms. Hilton who wanted to complain about this helium-brained semen sack because she happened to be a descendent of the late founder of the company. I lived for these calls.

Such calls generally went something like this:

Me: How may I help you?

Detractor: I’m not staying in any of your hotels until that bitch shuts up and puts her clothes back on.

Me: Which bitch are you referring to, sir?

Detractor: Who do you think?

Me: My ex-wife?

Detractor: You’re not funny and you know I’m talking about Paris Hilton.

Me: I see. Ms. Hilton does not work for this company.

Detractor: Yeah, but she lives off of it. Her daddy owns it.

Me: No, sir, I believe her father is in the real estate business.

Detractor: The name of the company is ‘Hilton.’ If they don’t own it, who does?

Me: Stockholders. It’s a publicly-traded company.

Detractor: You’re telling me nobody named Hilton works there?

Me: I don’t know of anyone in that family who does.

Detractor: Well, what do you know?

Me: I know we don’t live in the days of the robber barons, when major companies were sometimes wholly owned by a single person or family.

Detractor: You’re not going to get me to believe that she doesn’t profit off of the company. She sure hasn’t earned that money herself.

Me: I’m not going to argue with that, but she has no connection to the company that I’m aware of.

Detractor: Do you really want me to believe that her family has never had any connection to the company?

Me: No, I didn’t say that. She is the great-granddaughter of the founder.

Detractor: Maybe I should be talking to him.

Me: He died decades ago, sir.

Detractor: I don’t care, and I still think she should put her clothes on and shut her slutty mouth.

Me: Personally, I think the world would be a more interesting place if fewer people wore clothes.

Detractor: You’re a wiseass. Let me speak to your supervisor.

Me: Okay. I'll put Miss Hilton on the line.