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August 01, 2009


Blast it, Hankee Dee!

Quit catapulting books

At my titties!


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An Ivan O’Uris poetic adaptation, titled …

Paraphrase of a line allegedly uttered by Charlotte Bronte to Henry David Thoreau during a party held in 1847 at Walden Woods, during which Thoreau – feeling stir crazy from having been alone since 1845 – grabbed a bundle of books, began chasing Ms. Bronte around his cabin and flinging books at her breasts, while fiendishly glaring and cackling, “Let’s play Bounce the Books off the Bronte Boobies!”


Background Notes (Poem): As with the poetic adaptation of Penelope Layne’s diary entry regarding her encounter with poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (see issue No. 31), Ivan drew from a diary for this “poetic adaptation.”

In 1996, Ivan attended the estate sale for Chuck L. Bronte, an action film and TV star from Ivan’s homeland (the island of Luscia) whose persona was influenced by Chuck Norris and Charlotte Bronte, whom the actor falsely claimed was his great-great-great-grandmother. Ivan had hoped to buy an autographed copy of the pilot script for a project Chuck L. Bronte was developing shortly before his death, a made-for-cable TV series based on the writings of Charlotte Bronte and Elmore Leonard, tentatively titled “Jake Eyre, Private Dick.”

The script was sold moments before Ivan’s arrival, so he bought an unmarked cedar chest. Upon opening it, he discovered that the chest contained 19th-century erotic apparatuses. At the bottom, Ivan found a diary next to piece of a Whoopeeeeee Rodd® (see issue No. 32-B).

Kept from February 1843 to December 1851, the diary chronicled what Bronte called “exploits that I daren’t divulge for fear of castrating my image as a pristinely prim and proper lady of the womanly feminine caste.”

According to the diary, Bronte began a long-distance romantic correspondence with Thoreau while she did her well-documented educational work in Belgium. In 1847, she received an invitation from Thoreau for a “coming out party” to commemorate the end of his alone time in Walden Woods. Longing to see him – and hoping the visit would take her mind off worrying over what name she should use for her writing – she accepted.

The romantic encounter went awry, as Bronte relates in the following diary excerpt:


– This Day, the [date illegible – Ed., Mutt Media LLC] of October, One-Thousand, Eight-Hundred, Forty-Seven in the Year of Our Lord –


Dearest Darling Diary, Who Sings to Me and to Whom I Sing to Unburden My Troubled Soul,


I attended Hankee Dee’s “coming out party” – and indeed, Hankee Dee came out in a way I hope I never see for as long as devinely-inspired [sic] breaths flow out of my body. When the guest [sic] had departed – nigh around that ’twas seven thirty-five of the clock of the evening of this delightful, color-filled day of autumn – I expressed that my lips, blushing checks [sic] and cascading cushions of carnalities longed to enjoy his company alone. Suddenly, he went mad and scooped up some books off the floor and began launching them at my cascading cushions of carnality. When I bequested [sic] of my beloved Hankee Dee what in the name of the most heinous demon of Hades that he was doing, he replied, “I’m playing Bounce the Books off the Bronte Boobies, Babe!” and continued pursuing me and catapulting his tomes at my cascading cushions of carnality. Finally, I declared, “Dash it all, Hankee Dee! I demand that this game of your launching your tomes at my cascading cushions of carnality immediately cease!”


Moved by the account, Ivan put together the above poetic adaptation. Presumed lost, it was found recently by Ivan O’Uris scholars E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney in Ivan’s cluttered apartment inside the diary. Underneath the poem was a faded autographed picture of Chuck L. Bronte with his arm around a cutout of Charlotte Bronte.


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