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“Your mother and I just wanted you all to know what colossal disappointments you all are.”

It’s night one of a two night Bachelorette event. Most of this episode is predicated on a close up of Kenny’s bleeding eye and I’m gonna tell you right now this footage is nowhere in the episode. It’s like when they show a cool clip from a movie in the trailer and then that clip isn’t in the movie.

But we’re not here for “truth” or “honest advertising,” we’re here to see dudes get booted for being morons. Let’s see where that takes us!

1) Hell Up In Hilton Head

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“Sorry, I missed that part I was thinking of ways to piss you off.”

Kenny and Lee have it out on the porch as the rest of the men sit push their faces up against the windows to get a better view.

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Women and Bryans first.

Bryan and Rachel relax on a life raft with a sail and Rachel reiterates that she thinks he’s too good to be true. He tells her both of them thinking the other is too good means they are a perfect match. Remember, if something sounds too good to be true, it’s because it’s a perfect match for you. So pay that Nigerian Prince already and get your 8,000,000 USD reward!

Kenny tries to reason with Lee. You can’t reason with a snek, Kenny! Lee keeps pressing Kenny’s buttons by saying he’ll stop talking and then keeps talking. Lee has no “off” position on his asshole switch.

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“Oh no he didn’t! Oh, he did? Nevermind.”

Iggy and Will do play-by-play of the confrontation from inside. They will not be replacing Mike Tirico on Monday Night Football anytime soon.

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Lee dresses like a frat guy invited back to his high school homecoming dance.

Lee sneks off, proud of getting under Kenny’s skin. His strategy isn’t to woo Rachel, it’s to get rid of all the men so Rachel doesn’t have a choice but to marry him. We call that Neckbeard Chess.

2) Bitch Ass Sneks

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Producers wouldn’t let her pin it on his crotch

Rachel returns and gives Bryan the group date rose. Looks like this is just an excuse to touch him again.

Kenny congratulates Bryan for not being “a bitch ass dude.” Can we make that what’s said at rose ceremonies? “Chad…you are not a bitch ass dude.” *Hands over rose*

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When you can’t decide if he’s a bitch or a snake

Kenny leans in on Lee even more, whispering insults to Lee. Lee doesn’t understand because it’s not in Parseltongue.

3) Aw, Shucks

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“For real, my beard was this long.”

Jack and Rachel meet up for a carriage ride around Hilton Head, then Hilton Head over to an oyster shuck. Jack keeps making faces at Rachel like he’s a cat who brought a dead mouse home as a present.

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Do you get the hint, Jack???

The pair get some dance lessons and Jack fails miserably. He tells her he did so poorly because he kept staring at her. That is what we call The Neckbeard Glaze.

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Jack leans in to kiss Rachel and she says “I’m sick” which is code for “keep your face over there please.” Even if true that didn’t stop her from licking Bryan’s donut hole the night before.

If you put your kid’s college money on Jack winning this season then you better explain to lil’ Cindy all about a thing called “student loans.”

4) “Aggressive”

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Will listens intently as Lee distorts everything Will just said.

Will tries to explain to Lee the idea of a white man calling a black man “aggressive,” something we discussed last week. Lee’s lil’ snek ears hears this as “oh he’s playing the race card.” Jesus Christ this guy is a walking talking version of The Red Pill.

Quickly, here’s six reasons Lee needs to go home:

  • Is racist
  • Is manipulative
  • has a beard without a mustache
  • sweats all the time like he’s on coke
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“I’m a bootcut genius.”

5) Jack, Off

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HAHAHA why are we laughing

Jack and Rachel sit down for dinner. Rachel explains that they should be a perfect match except that she’s lacking the romantic passion. Maybe because Jack keeps grinning at her like he thinks his good side is the top of his forehead.

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Rachel says she doesn’t feel closer to him after this dinner. She wants to bang, Jack, and she wants to know you want to bang. She gives him an opening when she asks what they’d do if he could wisk her away right now and he says he’d take her back to Dallas, lay her down in bed, and chit chat. Let’s all take a minute to change our underwear after hearing that kind of dirty talk.

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“She’s gonna hand that rose to me aaaaaaaany second now…”

Rachel tells him she’s not feeling it and he should leave. Jack just stares at the rose she’s holding, like she’s gonna say “Psych! Here you go fam.”

Farewell Jack. We’ll all miss you grinning like Jack Nicholson as The Joker.

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“Wait ‘til they get a load of me.”

6) Dat Dress Tho


Rachel cancels the evening’s cocktail party and instead decides to have a–

7) Rose Ceremony

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“I just want you all to know that some of you will never get with me.”

Rachel gives away all the roses that don’t revolve around the plot of this episode.

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Anyone but Lee please give me to anyone but Lee

One rose left on the table, which always summons the demon spirit of Chris Harrison. Rachel gives the final rose to Lee, meaning we say goodby to Iggy and Jonathan.

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When you eliminated but she still succin’

Jonathan tickles Rachel as he leaves and says he needs to find a girl who appreciates a good set of tickling. That phrase is gonna wind up in a deposition or sexual harassment lawsuit someday.

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“I wish I was interesting.”

Iggy cries because he’s going home, making him almost interesting for the first time! Too little too late pal.

The remaining men find out they’re going to Oslo, Norway and celebrate like the producers told them to.

8) Norway Jose!

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“Norway Jose is filmed in front of a live studio audience.”

In Norway Rachel sits everyone down and asks Bryan for a one-on-one date. She says they’ve had “the physical connection” which is what my Mee Maw called sex. These two are VERY into each other.

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“How far from the other guys do we have to be before we can smash?”

Rachel takes him all the way to the top of a ski jump, so they can rappel to the bottom. Does she know elevators go up AND down?

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Despicable M3, in theaters June 30!

The pair put on their Minion helmets and away we go.

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“We’re gonna hold on to these GoPros for…let’s just say ‘other stuff.’”

Once at the bottom, they’re so happy to have land under their feet again that they go at it. Again. These two are never not making out.

9) 2 Gud 2 B Tru

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“So your neck, then your back, then what?”

Bryan explains that he’s so chill and confident because it feels right and we can almost physically see Rachel melt. Her biggest worry is that he’s 37 and single and why would a hot man with a great job and smooth lines be single? It’s almost like…he’s too good to be true.

10) White Men Can’t Jump

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Rachel Can’t C Me

Back at the Fjord Hjotel Eric wonders aloud if Rachel is just not in to black men because they’ve had fewer one-on-ones than the others. Maybe, Eric, she is and she has to do these one-on-ones to see if she’d be in to a white guy. If you’re still in the house then you’re still in the game. Other guys had one-on-ones and they’re gone-on-gone. Stay humble, stay low, blow like Hootie.

11) PDA

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Is it a perspective trick or is that lantern huge?

Rachel and Bryan have a private dinner with a few of their favorite cameramen. You know what’s wrong with Bryan? He’s a contestant on “The Bachelorette.”

Bryan says all the right things and Rachel reacts with a rose and then they make out so hard the show is briefly rated TV MA.

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Good Lord, not this again.

12) Hjandbjall

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…and bad with his feet.

Rachel sends a date card and the names announced mean later Rachel will have a two-on-one date with Kenny and Lee. A menage a twat!

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It’s like basketball but stupid.

Meanwhile, the rest of the boys play the popular European sport of ~~handjob ~~handball. Coach Tom tells them “handball is life,” a phrase absolutely no one believes.

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“I can’t wait for you foreigners to leave my country.”

The boys try their best - and Dean wears his jockstrap OUTSIDE HIS SINGLET??? - as the Norwegians watch them like they’re watching a baby learn how to walk.

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Eventually the game goes to the blouses as Hjemme beats Borte 17-7.

13) Bootcut Workout

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Kenny facetimes with his daughter and she is damn adorable. Meanwhile, Lee lifts weights in his bootcut jeans and jeancut boots before making faces in the mirror like he wants to see what he looks like when he poops.

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14) One on One on One on One…

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“I’ll roll for initiative.”

Will talks about his strategy for winning. How sexy! Will, she’s your potential wife, not the Dungeon Master for your DnD game.

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Why is this two pages? The letter ends halfway down the first page.

Alex reads Rachel a letter he wrote to her. Less Pen Pal and more Penis Pal,pal.

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You can keep your loose change in it!

Matt sews song lyrics into what looks like a Crown Royal bag.

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“What do you mean everything I say sound - look in her eyes - rehearsed?”

Josiah goes TOO hard and Rachel gets creeped out. He’s talking at her instead of talking to her. I think we just watched him sign his own rose ceremony.

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“I’ll be me, Lee you be anyone but you.”

Lee and Kenny get a date card with some cool poetry from Chris Harrison. Who does he think he is, Alex? Point is, two men will enter this two-on-one date, but only one will return.

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Practicing mouth-to-mouth before mouth-to-something-else

Peter and Rachel talk a little and then jump in the hot tub and hook up mad hard. So hard I wonder if she mistook him for Bryan.

Everyone towels off and Rachel gives her rose to Will. Peter is bummed, but honestly he doesn’t need it; he just had her rose.

15) The Rachel’s Court

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We get our first HELICOPTER SPOT of the season as Rachel, Lee, and Kenny head to the middle of nowhere for an episode of Rachel’s Court.

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“I am very underdressed for this weather.”

In his testimony Kenny tells Rachel he’s looking for a forever thing and really lays it on with her. Rachel is like “Cool, but tell me about Lee” and Kenny doth oblige. Merely the mention of Lee’s name makes Kenny look like he’s Bruce Banner trying to keep the Hulk in check.

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The Sound of Silence

As Rachel deliberates in her chambers Lee and Kenny sit in silence with Lee for what feels like eternity, and then Kenny starts talking to Lee which causes light steam to emit from Kenny’s ears.

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“…and then he shot me and I died, swear to God.”

During his testimony in the forest courtroom Lee tells Rachel Kenny pulled him out of a van and then he calls Kenny a mean drunk. This has to be a lie because there’s no way the producers would let something like this go undocumented. Hell, they leaked their own sex scandal from Bachelor In Paradise earlier this month.

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The producers keep showing snake footage and where in God’s name did this come from?

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Rachel returns to cross-examine Kenny about the conflicting stories she’s hearing. At this point Kenny is shaking like he’s in detox from the accusations. Or from the cold. Rachel sends Kenny back while she deliberates again.

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He came back from the woods insane.

Kenny walks out of the woods giggling like the Joker and mumbling to himself. He looks Lee in the eyes, and says–

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Classic Bach and Switch.

We’re back Tuesday night with the “dramatic conclusion” of the Kenny/Lee confrontation. Previews show a lot of upset Kenny and Rachel but nothing of Lee…did they just reveal the ending of this two-on-one date? LOL you do you, “Bachelorette.”