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May 25, 2017
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They need them more than you!

Listen, it’s not that everyone here at the Red Cross doesn’t appreciate your donations of food, clothes, and money. We really do. However, in terrible times like these, it’s important that these refugees get what all humans need more than anything else: FIDGET SPINNERS!

You have to understand, these are people who were driven out of their homes, were transported to a foreign place where they may not even speak the language, and had their entire lives uprooted from under them. A sandwich or 10 bucks isn’t going to fix that, not even a sandwich full of 10 dollar bills. Trust us, we’ve tried. The only thing that will help is a plastic or metal spinning gizmo that the refugees can stare at for hours on end until their lives are back together.

I know what you’re thinking, you sent food because you figured all humans need to eat. Sure, but you do also realize that food literally GROWS OUT OF THE GROUND, RIGHT? We can always make more of it. Guess what doesn’t grow out of the ground? FIDGET SPINNERS! They’re either made in a really cool factory or imported directly from the future where everything spins! I’m not sure which and it doesn’t matter. What matters is any food you send us, we throw right away.

Once enough fidget spinners are donated, then we can once again worry about food and clothing, but only after a few other basic human needs are met. Here is the Red Cross’ newly updated refugee needs list, from most important to least:

Fidget Spinners
Razor Scooters
Pogs
Furbies
Pog Slammers
Oxygen
Cool Haircuts
Food
Clothes

You can’t imagine what a single fidget spinner can do to a hapless refugee. Just yesterday I gave a man, Omar, his first fidget spinner. Before I gave it to him, he was slouched over on a military cot, depressed, fat, ugly, and even a little sassy. Once I spun that little bundle of joy onto his finger, he immediately perked up and was the happiest, thinnest, most attractive, and sassy in a good way man I have ever seen. Omar whispered something in my ear before I left to go throw away more donated food. I didn’t know what it meant, so I asked a translator and they told me that while it doesn’t translate perfectly, it meant something like, “Thank you so much. This spinning angel has given my life new purpose. Also, it’s sick as fuck, dude!”

I’ll never forget those words of thanks for the rest of my life, and I plan on living forever.

So please stop donating anything to the Red Cross unless it spins rapidly and in a mesmerizing fashion. Food and money can’t give these poor people their lives back. Only fidget spinners can do that, because they can do everything. Plus, like Omar said so eloquently, they’re sick as fuck!

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