1) Talk Shit, Get Bit
There are two things you don’t want to do in the zombie apocalypse, and both of them are question the leadership of Rick Grimes. The mortality rate for people going against the stream of the Ricktatorship is staggering. This guy. This guy is not a very smart guy.
Just keep your trap shut, nameless guy! Stick to the plan, keep your head on a swivel, and you might just make it out of this thing aliv-
Nope. Too late. Sorry, bud! Later. Prepare to get looted! Great time to give a quick pep-talk on safety and teamwork, Rick. Very inspiring. Don’t forget to check his shoes! He might be hiding good loot in those shoes.
2) Is This Bit Dude Serious Right Now?
Sir, not sure if you’ve been made fully aware of your present circumstance, but you have a zombie bite on your back. It’s rather large and gross.
If you act quickly on these bites, sometimes you can cut out the affected area and walk away fine. Remember Hershel? You can cut out the affected area and hop away fine! Unfortunately, I don’t think they’ll be able to successfully amputate your back anytime soon. Medical advances are slow these days. Maybe limp over to The Knick, it’s a very good show and I’m sure someone over there will take a crack at an experimental procedure. They’ll probably just shoot your dick full of cocaine. The Knick really is a super awesome show, you should also be watching The Knick if you’re not doing so already.
3) Used Zombie Car Lot
This looks promising! Everyone knows a car with its hood popped is the universal symbol for vehicular virility. You guys, these are the most broken cars I’ve ever seen. Most of them don’t have doors or tires or many of the other important components that comprise a car. There’s a Kogi BBQ taco truck parked inside of LAX. It’s not a real truck, just a truck-shaped taco stand. There’s a cooler filled with sodas and water bottles where the engine should be. The Kogi BBQ truck inside of LAX, with an engine made of Sprite cans, looks more road-ready than every option here. Plus it has tacos. They should’ve just tried to find a Kogi BBQ truck.
“Rick! It’s me, Glenn! These walkie-talkies sure are fun! Did you hear about the new emojis? How do I send a taco on this thing? More like walkie-tacos!”
“Chirp chirp, Rick mobile! No time to talk. I’m in the middle of my morning workout. It involves some quick cardio, a few anger kills, followed by a cool down where I cut my hand then add some knives to my knife bag. You get home safe! I bought us tickets to the new Star Wars, Glenn! Don’t you dare die on me before we get to see the new Star Wars together!”
5) Whisper Fight
It’s tough to come off as intimidating when you’re literally whispering in a room full of cat toys and gerbil homes, but somehow Michonne pulls it off.
Ugh. Dude. I get it. You heard Rick and Michonne having a candid conversation about how some of you will die on this extremely treacherous journey. Don’t be so whiney, they were clearly right. Look around! You’re all dying! Your group is a mess. You’re essentially garbage that’s just lucky to be living on top of an amazing property. If your group was a movie, you’d be Tremors 3. Be glad anyone is willing to give even a tiny shit about you.
6) Sherriff Gump
Did anybody else hear “Running On Empty” during this scene? Rick should grow his beard back, blast some Creedence and take this zombie horde on a jogging tour of America. Who knows what will happen on his journey! He might design an iconic t-shirt or create the next great zombie bumper sticker. This show should do stuff from Forrest Gump more often, Forrest Grump is a great movie.
7) Put Him Out Of His Misery
If I’m ever being torn apart by zombies, please put a knife or a bullet or whatever the fuck you have in your hand directly inside of my brain. It’s the nice thing to do. Instead, they stand back and watch their friend get eaten alive in the most slow and agonizing way possible.
Whatever. He was already dead. Too bad his wife of three minutes won’t get to read his podcast. It looked like a really nice little podcast.
8) Fuck This Guy
Fuck this guy. First he got Noah killed, then he shot Glenn and now this. What a stupid punk bitch. I DO NOT LIKE HIM! Glenn should’ve killed him when he had the chance. If I was the actor who played this guy, I would be afraid to do signings at Comic-Con. You just know there are dozens of angry fans who will throw a fully loaded hot dog at him without thinking twice about it. Why does Comic-Con smell so much like hot dogs, you might ask? Because everyone walks around eating hot dogs all day. If you ask Boba Fett for a photo, be emotionally prepared to watch him first put down his tray of nachos.
9) But Is Glenn Really Dead???
But is Glenn really dead?!? Maybe? Probably not. The big smoking gun, as a lot of folks on /r/TheWalkingDead pointed out last night, is that Glenn wasn’t included in the “In Memoriam” segment on Talking Dead. Talking Dead is the Al Jazeera for cast death news. I think we can safely say if they weren’t reporting on it, it didn’t happen. Hey, speaking of /r/TheWalkingDead! Here’s what it looks like over there right now.
Did Glenn slide under the dumpster while the zombies ate Nicholas? What was the EXACT COLOR of the shirt being ripped apart by zombies, and does it match what Glenn was wearing? CAN ZOMBIE BLOOD MELT STEEL BEAMS!? Jesus Christ. R-E-L-A-X! If we put /r/TheWalkingDead in charge of figuring out what happened at Benghazi, they’d have it all wrapped up in five minutes. Spoiler alert: they’d blame it on Carl.
10) Come On.
Come on with this shit. Like seriously. Come the fuck on.
11) Ricky Montana
Say hello to my zombie friend! So good. RA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA-KA! Eat lead, ya filthy wolves! Good for you, Rick. Morgan fucked up by letting these guys have a gun, but you don’t let that ruin your day. You just shoot them all in their stupid faces. Too bad that gun Morgan gave them cost you your ride. I told you that decision was not a smart one, Morgan! Oh, well! What’s done is done, no use living in the zombie past. Tune in next week! Will Rick kill all these walkers using only a single jar of of baby food. Will Morgan stop trying to sing “Kumbaya” with everyone trying to murder him? Is Carl behind Benghazi? None of this and more on s06e04 of The Walking Dead!