The Secret Service’s leader has resigned in the wake of a number of security failures, including an incident where a felon carrying a gun shared an elevator with President Obama, and another where a random guy got backstage by claiming falsely to be a congressman.
In response, the Secret Service has announced a number of changes to their policies, including the following.
- President’s guard detail will begin rotating bathroom breaks, instead of all going at the same time
- No more taking weekends off on the theory that “Malia’s got this”
- Replace current opaque sunglasses with see-through ones
- If a guy asks if he can hold your gun, you have to say no
- Update training manual to reflect that no, black presidents are not “too strong to be shot”
- All blind Secret Service agents must have their guide dogs with them at all times
- If someone tries to shoot the president, go check it out
- Stop letting people just walk up and high-five the president if they “look okay”
- Just because an agent can juggle, it doesn’t necessarily mean he or she should juggle
- Discharging of sidearms in a sort of arc pattern around the president at all times
- Explains that those sniffer dogs agents walk around with are not just to keep them from being lonely
- No, your buddy Clyde from the gym cannot pick up some hours as a sniper
- New morning pump-up chant: “who’s gonna keep the president alive? We gonna keep the president alive! Who’s gonna keep the president alive? I said we gonna keep the president alive!” then everybody clinks guns
- Remind everyone how embarrassed they’d be if the president got assassinated