TRANSCRIPT OF THE LA LAKERS’ PITCH TO LAMARCUS ALDRIDGE
9:01 pm. Tuesday night, July 1. Doorbell rings. Lamarcus Aldridge opens the door.
Standing there are Kobe Bryant, Byron Scott, Jim and Jeannie Buss, Mitch Kupchak and a slick Hollywood producer.
LAMARCUS: What’s up guys? Come–
They march in with no invitation.
LAMARCUS: … on in. Can I get you guys something to eat or drink?
JIM BUSS: Shhh. Just watch and listen.
Jim presses play on a boombox he’s been carrying. Backing music starts to play and the Laker reps line up in formation. Then they begin a choreographed song and dance number.
LAKER REPS: Hooray for Hollywood/ That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood/ Where any office boy or young mechanic / Can be a panic, with just a good looking pan / Where any barmaid can be a star maid / If she dances with or without a fan / Hooray for Hollywood!
They strike a pose and hold it. Lamarcus claps. Politely.
LAMARCUS: Umm. That was… unexpected.
JIM BUSS: Welcome to LA. Where the unexpected is always happening. Like earthquakes. We get tons of ‘em. Hi, Jim Buss, owner of the Lakers.
JEANIE BUSS: And I’m Jeanie. As head of business operations,I took the liberty of bringing a contract for you to sign right now. After all,we’re the Lakers. Hashtag LA to LA. Nobody ever says no to us. Here’s a pen.Hashtag done-deal.
LAMARCUS: Actually, I’d like to hear more about the basketball team before making a decision.
SLICK PRODUCER: Don’t worry, guys. I got this. Playing basketball is great. But that’s just your night job when you’re a Laker. You know what you’re going to be doing all day? Making movies! Check this out.
Slick Producer shows Lamarcus an iPad compilation of 80s action films like Rambo, Bloodsport andTango and Cash with Lamarcus’s face superimposed over the actors.
SLICK PRODUCER: How would you like to make up to five million dollars next year starring in one of my sure-fire blockbusters?
LAMARCUS: Compared to my thirty-million dollar salary, it’s really not all that much. Look, I appreciate what LA has to offer, but my number one concern is winning a championship.
BYRON SCOTT: As head coach of the Lakers, I assure you winning a championship is our top priority. I expect you to be at practice every day working hard to achieve that goal. Unless you have an audition. That is always a valid excuse to miss practice. Your acting career comes first.
LAMARCUS: But I don’t even want an acting career! Why don’t you guys tell me about some of the team analytics?
JIM BUSS: Who cares about analytics when you can meet the stars of Analyze This, Robert DeNiro and Billy Crystal!
Deniro and Crystal burst into the room.
BILLY CRYSTAL: Lamarcus, I’m a lifelong Clippers fan.Playing for them would make you look absolutely maaahvelous!
ROBERT DE NINO: I don’t know, Lamarcus. You should go with the Knicks if I knew what was good for you’s. I’m watching you.
LAMARCUS: Why would you bring them when they don’t even like the Lakers?
JIM BUSS: Because they’re stars! Like you could be. Don’t you want to be like them? Super old and white?
LAMARCUS: Mr. Kupchak, you’re known as one of the greatest basketball minds of all time. What’s your plan for the future of the team?
KUPCHAK: (mutters unintelligibly)
LAMARCUS: What? I didn’t catch that.
KUPCHAK: (mutters unintelligibly. Then sits down on the couch and falls asleep)
JEANIE BUSS: Sorry, he’s up past his bedtime. Hashtag Kupchaknap. Hashtag charisma-to-spare.
LAMARCUS: Kobe, nobody has won more championships than you.How do you see us playing together?
KOBE: Okay, for the record, they made me come. I’m supposed to be in Montreal watching the Women’s World Cup. How would we play together? I don’t know, man. I guess like how me and Pau did. I’ll get the ball on the wing.You’ll establish great position on the post. Then I’ll mouth ‘eff you’ and shoot a turn-around fall-away twenty footer. But the four minutes a game when I’m on the bench you can do whatever. Cool?
LAMARCUS: That’s not quite what I was hoping to hear.
KOBE: Awesome. Arrivaderci, bitches.
JIM BUSS: Jeanie, remind me to give that guy another four year max extension. So, Lamarcus, fasten your seatbelt because we have two more hours of your favorite actors and actresses from TV and film to show you what LA is all about.
LAMARCUS: Hold up, hold up. I’m going to have to be honest with you. I’m not really a Hollywood type of guy. I’m all about winning and finding the best fit on a basketball level. Since you got nothing to say about that, I gotta say I’m not interested in playing for you.
JIM BUSS: How could you not want to play for us? (pulls Jeanie to his side) We run the team as brother and sister and we can’t stand each other! Talk about drama!
LAMARCUS: Get out of my house.
They leave. Lamarcus kicks Mitch Kupchak on the shin to wake him up and he follows.
They stand outside together.
JIM BUSS: Wow. Safe to say that went incredibly well.
They all nod in agreement.