The following is a message from God:
Hey kids, it's Me. There's been a lot of controversy about things I may or may not have said, so I've decided to write a quick blog entry clarifying some basic issues. I hope My choice of venue doesn't cause any inconvenience to those who don't have internet access, can't read, or just don't happen to read this blog. I'll go ahead and take down this posting soon so those of you who do read it can just tell everyone else what it said to the best of your recollection. That's worked out well in the past. Just tell the others that I said to listen to you.
Let's get down to it:
I am The Lord your God. Please devote a LOT of your time to memorizing and reciting verses that tell Me how awesome I am. That's a big thing for Me. Because I am perfect, but My self esteem--not so much.
If you believe you have good reason to kill someone, it's not that big a deal. Some people are real dicks. I know, I have to be around all of them all the time. Seriously, you're saving me a lot of paperwork.
The Earth is yours to use as you see fit. I gave it to you as a gift (home-made, I know, but it was a lean year). You guys are brilliant with some of the stuff you've come up with. Honestly, oil was just some leftover goo I swept under the surface when I was bored of creating stuff. I love what you're doing with it. Here are some things that are far more flammable than I think you're aware of: Soil, live fish, and clouds. Get on it.
There is One True Religion. I can't ruin it by telling you which one, but if you aren't affiliated with a religion yet, get cracking! If you've got one, you really need to do more hard-sell convincing. Nothing pleases Me more than seeing My creations argue about who wears the right funny hat on the right holiday. That's totally the point!!
I've got to go watch The Daily Show now, but if I think of anything I forgot, I'll e-mail you.