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May 25, 2016
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Jojo meets her 26 beaus.

YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Praise thee Lord Harrison, The Bachelorette is back! I imagine the emotions I’m experiencing right now are pretty similar to when a mother holds her baby for the first time or whatever.

We begin with a recap of Jojo’s love story with Ben from last season. Ben: “Jojo I love you too.” Jojo: “What?!” HOW COULD YOU BEN YOU DICKHEAD?!?! I’m re-living the physical pain of me watching their breakup on TV again which is normal right?

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Jojo strolls, reflecting on her breakup. Jojo ponders fountain. Jojo walks under arbors. Jojo sits on cement wall, gazing at flowers.

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But will my love blossom?

Jojo is excited for her journey to find love. If she didn’t describe this as a journey I’m not sure I would know what show I’m watching. She walks down the beach, gazing out.

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Bachelor Nation collectively thinking: BEN YOU DUMB AF.

Jojo lounges on a rock and gets sprayed with water.

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Is this cleansing a washing away of her old relationship? Or is this foreshadowing the tumultuous tides of her new love journey? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

Previous Bachelorettes Return

Previous Bachelorettes Des, Ali, and Kaitlyn meet Jojo to give her advice on her love journey. Only one of them ended up with their first pick (Brooks dumped Des so technically she picked her second choice) so not sure they’re going to have the best advice. Kaitlyn looks insanely thin and I’m a little worried for her. Maybe it’s the stress of her new t-shirt line that way too heavily relied on the phrase “Messy Bun Get Er Done”???

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They share some gems like to kiss on the first night and to say “nervous” and “excited” as much as humanly possible.

Des: “I think it’s just saying whatever is honest and true… We all lead with like, attraction first (Brooks) but that actually turns into lust.” Attraction turns into lust? Des WOULD talk about valuing personality over attraction.

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As I said in my book of poetry I wrote with my second choice, Chris, don’t lead with attraction.

Jojo asks if they regret anything. Kaitlyn immediately goes: “Yes.” True, sleeping with Nick Viall would definitely be at the forefront of my mind of biggest regrets of my life. She blames it on being in the moment.

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Oh YEAH! You didn’t wait until Fantasy Suites week when you’re allowed to have three men enter you (*but only if you haven’t told them you love them*).

Ali: “Roberto was so hot that all I wanted to do was take his clothes off and I didn’t get to know him. That’s where I went wrong… Figure out who you really like and ignore them for the first week.”

Roberto was too hot. And I acknowledged his existence at all. That’s why I’m alone.

On saying ‘I love you’: Jojo: “If I start to feel those feelings, I think I’ll be very cautious about who I say that to… because I know what that felt like for me and to say I love you and not be 100% about it, I don’t think I would do it.”

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Cheers to guarding and protecting your heart!

And thus, Jojo officially joins the Bachelor Family, where you have to stay with the winner of your Bachelor franchise so that you guys can have your wedding paid for and eventually sell face masks/tea on Instagram.

Contestant Backgrounds

Firefighter Grant: “I hope that Jojo is the one that lights my fire.” Grant leans against a wall seductively. He reminds me of Bill Hader in the SNL skit FIREHOUSE MELTDOWN.

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Hey camera operator, you pregnant now.

Jordan Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers’ much less successful bro, throws a football to an offscreen PA. He walks really weirdly, presumably from wearing too-tight pants.

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Spiral! Or close enough to one but not really actually an official spiral! Like a fame-seeking offshoot of a spiral?

WHY IS A-RO-BRO STANDING IN THE RAIN?

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Rain just bounces off A-Ro tho…

A-Ro-Bro: “Ultimately I ended up playing for three different NFL teams.” My researcher (my brother) says he never was one of the first line/starting line/whatever is legit or important in football that I can’t bare to spend one second verifying.

A-Ro-Bro: “So I’m hoping I’m gonna be Jojo’s number one draft pick.” Good lord.

Tiny Alex, the war veteran twin, rides a motorcycle.

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Alex wears army outfit colors and carries a backpack, presumably filled with rocks, up a hill.

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Alex reveals to his twin brother (who is also a marine with arm tats) that he hasn’t had a real girlfriend in years. Alex really wants to bang his twin brother’s wife. Alex: “Seeing my brother fall in love overnight, I know that I can find the same thing for myself.”

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James, the Bachelor Superfan: “This is my favorite Bachelor shot.”

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I’ve spent years location-scouting for my introductory montage.

Superfan James practices accepting a rose in the mirror but if he were a true superfan he’d know that on the Bachelorette they get roses on their lapels and he should be practicing presenting his shoulder forward. OK I’m terrified to know what level of fan this makes me.

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James asks a photograph of Chris Harrison which clothes he should pack.

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Chris, should I pack my dignity? Haha you’re right, leave the unimportant stuff at home.

Dick Doctor Evan looks over a dirty river.

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I wonder how many slammin salmon are down there.

Dick Doctor Evan: “I was a pastor for years, and I loved it, but now I’ve found a different way to lift people’s spirits."A PASTOR?! SPOTLIGHT, GET TO THE BACH MANSION STAT. I shall now call thee Dick Pastor Evan.

Dick Pastor Evan: "When guys come in, they’re really down and they feel like half of a man, if that.” These guys come in, half chub, or even worse, quarter chub. They’ve been trying to limp mash their whole lives, feeling like complete pieces of shit.

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Now let’s check out that fucked up dick of yours.

Dick Pastor Evan: “A lot of what I do is just, you know, pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” Oh I DO know. “It’s a hard business.” STOPPPPP.

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So have you ever tried popsicle sticks and duct tape?

My early favorite, Ali, passionately plays the piano in Santa Monica. He is so much smaller than in his still photograph though…

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His older brother is a surgeon and his sister is a dentist so his parents are probably pretty stoked they finally got a skateboarding bartender.

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I don’t think anyone has ever read a book in this position.

We get to see Christian, the tele-com dude, doing a series of insane things at the gym.

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Christian is being ejaculated from that mural.

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I’m very interested in how this skill would come into play in fantasy suites.

Christian: “By day, I’m a Telecom Communications tech consultant.”

Christian at his “meeting”: “70% of all IP traffic rides on our network.”

The white board says a lot of buisinessy stuff:
-Telecom Meeting
-Business Continuity
-Disaster Recovery

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Well, there’s no women at the table so this business meeting seems legit.

Christian actually seems like a sweetheart and I will be sad when he leaves Week 4/5?

Luke introduces us to his hometown “the Hill Country of Texas.” That’s definitely where you get murdered right? He feeds cattle and dicks around with a horse. He’s bowlegged and talks about how much he’s learned from “all those small-town lessons.” He was also in the military.

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Many small-town lessons actually involve getting tied up on flag-poles.

Luke heads to his favorite spot to lean against, the barn of course.

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How’s Hill Country gonna hold up without me?

Limo Arrivals

And it begins.

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Y'ALL AIN’T WORTHY

First out is A-Ro-Bro Jordan. He tells Jojo not to worry because his parents only dated a few months before getting married. And we all know they spawned a Super Bowl winner AND a Bachelorette contestant, the true double touchdown.

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Love at first sight exists! He was in Chico all along!

Derek: “The most important thing I was blown away by was you have a really good sense of self, and I can see that you’re grounded. And that’s what’s really sexy to me.” Nice.

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Firefighter Grant: “So, I’m not gonna do what Ben did to you last season. I’m not gonna fall in love with two girls.” Because you’re the only one here.

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Ex-Swimmer Robby makes her chug wine like her mother.

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Get it? Your Mom’s a lush?!

Jojo: “My Mom will like him.”

Will purposefully drops a bunch of his cue cards as a bit and it’s just awful. He tries to maintain the joke: “I just want to say that there’s no doubt in my mind that I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

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I just want to say that there’s no doubt in my mind this is the best an engineer can come up with.

Chad looks at Jojo like she’s a 6BD/5BA with a two-car garage in the nicest part of Tulsa.

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You shall be mine in 30 days escrow, pending close inspection and making sure the lawn meets standard regulations.

Canadian Daniel holds true to his photo and is creepy AF. Daniel: “Damn Jojo, back at it again as the next Bachelorette!”

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Damn Jojo! Back at it again?! Leave Britney Alone?! Wazzzup????!

Regarding coming from Canada, he says, “I thought bigger, better things here, ya know?” Isn’t Canada way bigger than the US? I love his Canadian add-ons like “ya know” and “eh”. He’s the male Lace, a Canadian sociopath the producers will keep for the first couple episodes.

Ali seems very nervous and has got some sort of a tooth fang situation going on. His slow descent in my mind continues. Ali to Jojo: “I hope I don’t fuck this up.” Lol.

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I vant to not fuck this up.

James Taylor comes out singing and playing his guitar. Jojo thinks this is great as his gimmick, not yet realizing it’s his way of earning money.

James Taylor: “You are even way more prettier than on TV.”

And now for the ultimate train-wreck… Jonathan…

Jon: “I’m half-Chinese and half-Scottish. But luckily for me I’m half-Scottish below the waist, so…”
Jojo: “What does that mean?”
Jon: “That’s open for interpretation I guess.”

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½ cute Asian guy, ½ totally misguided creep.

Then he seals the deal with THIS line.

Perfect closer.

Jojo: “Thanks for throwing that out there.”

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I can’t IMAGINE his Scottish half is such to necessitate The Black Box on his knees.

Damn Daniel: “You would have to pay me a lot of money to wear that. You shouldn’t try too hard like that. It’d be like the same thing as if I just took off my shirt. Look at my body, it’s fucking amazing. You know? But I’m not gonna do that, right? Just keep it cool for the first night.” *Spoiler alert* he does not keep it cool and gets naked free of charge later.

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Literally the Canadian devil.

Meanwhile, James Taylor continues to shittily play music for the men inside. Whenever a new guy enters, all the other guys yell “Fresh Meat!” like they’re new people in prison.

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VERY FRESH MEAT.

Saint Nick: “Jo, jo, jo!”

Saint Nick’s occupation is Father Christmas?

Saint Nick: “I understand that you’ve been a good girl this year.” Gross.

Santa greets the men: “I understand y'all have been on my naughty list this year.” He then proceeds to give them stuffed animals though. NOT IN THE CANON OF SANTA. ARE YOU TOO CHEAP FOR COAL??

Mad Chad starts ripping into Santa. “It’s kind of like being the dancing monkey, you know? Which, that’s fun, that’s good, but people don’t really want to date that guy.”

Jordan, A-Ro-Bro: “I’m glad someone did it and I’m glad it wasn’t me.”

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Milk was a mistake.

Chase: “I mustache you a question but I think I’m gonna shave it for later.”

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I also mustache myself if this barely-gimmick was a good idea.

Robby’s Confessional: “So this first night it seems like there’s two different types of men. There’s the confident, successful, well-dressed men that are probably more Jojo’s type."Robby are you considering yourself successful as a former professional swimmer? There’s not even a professional swimming league.

"Then you’ve got the other guys who resort to the gimmicks to grab Jojo’s attention.” A gimmick like a wine bottle with a poem written on it???

Sal gives her actual blue balls. “At any point tonight, you feel like you’re getting stressed, I give you permission to squeeze my balls.” Sal MUST have pissed off some producer.

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AWWWW CUTE!!!

Coley is an absolute disaster. Coley: “I’m actually in real estate too. I’m hoping by the end of this that I will be the one that’s able to take you off the market.”

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I’ll take you off the market and I’ll even pay for any necessary renovations.

Hipster Brandon: “I didn’t watch the last season at all. I have no idea. I have nothing. I know nothing about you whatsoever.”

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I have no idea. I have nothing. I have no idea what’s going on. I smoked sooo much weed in the limo I’m not even positive this is real life.

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “We’ve got a real modge podge of guys here."Too much chlorine to the brain.

Chase: "There’s a lot of hair gel, there’s a lot of cologne going on. Kind of feel like I’m in a catalogue of some sort.”

Damn Daniel: “The studs keep on coming. She’s a lucky girl ‘cause there’s a lot of good-looking guys that seem nice. If I was gay, I’d be in paradise.” If I was gay…

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If you think she’ll need a stud-finder, you are DEAD WRONG, ya know?

Nick S. does the splits into Jojo’s arms and I’m wondering where he found fancy pants with that kind of stretch.

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Mad Chad literally does not know what he signed up for. Chad: “This is way too many dudes. I’m sitting there and watching guy after guy show up. It’s a bit disappointing. There are a few guys giving her this fake or talent-show-style first introduction. They want to do their little dancing dance. They want to entertain.” They came here to entertain and dancy dance. I came here to fucking win.

Barber Vinny: “I couldn’t find champagne on the way but I did prepare a toast for me and you.” He hands her a piece of toast and all the women’s pants across America are soaking wet.

Mad Chad narrates this entire episode in terms of how much he hates various people, from a little to a lot. He is this season’s BENTLEY!!!!!

Mad Chad: “I do feel like some of the guys are trying a little too hard to be cool… When I came to this show, I thought that it would be the number one guys from like, each state. But it almost seems like some of the guys literally signed up because they actually couldn’t meet a girl.”

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It almost seems like they weren’t trying to just get the 26 perfect guys for Jojo and they wanted to like, entertain a national audience or something?

There’s definitely some truth to what Mad Chad posits. Evan immediately comes in his pants upon seeing Jojo and says, “Oh my God bless America.”

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Oh my God Bless these stain-resistant pants!

Mad Chad: “That’s fine for me. I mean, it’s less competition. But nothing I’ve seen has impressed me yet.”

Wells/MY NEW FAVORITE: “You are so out of my league, it’s ridiculous.”

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Wellp.

Wells tells Jojo that he brought some friends with him, All 4 One, who sing. I’m not familiar with All 4 One’s backstory but something tragic must’ve happened to bring them to this point in their careers.

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Karaoke is the most normal first interaction a couple can have.

Hipster Brandon: “If you come out with, like, a well-known a cappella group, you got the leg up, for sure.”

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So weird. I really didn’t think anyone would get a leg up on my “I have no idea what’s going on right now or ever in life or who you are” line.

Christian rolls in on a motorcycle and he still seems nice.

To finish off the limos, Luke, the war vet, rides in on a horse named Coconut with a horn strapped to its head– an allusion to Jojo’s unicorn mask from last season.

Luke: “She’s in the unicorn section. Not crazy and all hot.”

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Coconut IS that perfect blend of not crazy and all hot.

Cocktail Party

Mad Chad: “Her breasts–her dress was extremely bright.”

Her breastsdress was extremely bright. Her assshoes were amazingly taut. Her titsjewelry looked incredibly voluptuous.

Jojo: “I literally feel like I need to pinch myself ‘cause I feel like I don’t even deserve this.” Barber Vinny: “You definitely deserve it.” Yeah, I KNOW Vinny. And I certainly don’t need it to be validated by a skeezy barber with the worst haircut of all 26 men.

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You definitely deserve it. Just like I deserve to have never been here in the first place.

Jojo: “Hot, hot, hot. There’s just so much hotness right now.” Not sure Bachelor Nation agrees with you on that one Jojo.

Marine Alex grabs Jojo when she finishes her man toast.

Mad Chad: “We’re all standing in a group like, ‘Who’s gonna be the douchebag that goes and grabs her immediately?’ So, we went ahead and got that out of the way.”

Bachelor Nation is treated with a close-up shot of Marine Alex’s feet dangling off the bench.

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Amateur one-on-one spot planning.

Jojo (surprised): “You’re a very good-looking Marine.” Marine Alex starts doing push-ups with Jojo sitting on him, butt to butt.

I like that she does swimming motions to keep it casual.

Meanwhile, Vindicative Barber Vinny immediately starts mocking Marine Alex, saying that he has a Napoleon complex and will have to accept roses on a ladder.

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He’d have to climb a ladder to accept a rose. Meanwhile, Jojo would have to be twelve drinks deep to entertain giving me a rose.

Mad Chad of course gets in on it too: “You got the little marine guy doing push-ups with Jojo on his back. He’s looking like an idiot.” I think the most shocking moment for me will be if Mad Chad says anything nice about anyone except Jojo.

Mad Chad: “He’s like ‘Oh, I’m a military guy. I’ll do push-ups with a girl on my back. When I’m gonna be like, 'No, you look stupid. Stop.’”

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I’m gonna be like, no! Heh heh.

Derek tells Jojo he’s a nerd. She asks if he’s smart. His response: “I used to look like Harry Potter.”

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I’m a nerd like Harry Potter. You know, scars, glasses, the main character who’s famous but somehow doesn’t lose his virginity for decades.

Grant to Jojo: “I had that feeling that you get when you’re like, 13, and you want to talk to a girl and you don’t know what you want to say to her.”

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But for real do you have cooties?

Forgettable Peter to Jojo: “Did I do good when I got out?” Bye Peter.

A-Ro-Bro: “I don’t need to know her whole life story in two minutes, and she doesn’t need to know mine yet.” I’m saving the star-studded Aaron Rodgers/Olivia Munn hometown card for at least top 6. He starts caressing her back.

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A-Ro-Bro knows how to move the ball down the field. Is that something?

Christian: “You are such a catch, like, you should hear everybody and the things that everybody is saying.” Like that nice guy Chad who said he would definitely treat you not like high-end property in Tulsa.

Coley: “I have three nephews. They are calling me Uncle Coco. Coco and Jojo!” “Makes sense.” Does it?

Boxing James F. boxes with Jojo and she asks him to tell her if anything pops out.

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So you brought these planning to hit me the first night we met?

Will makes her play his fortune teller, tricking her into picking the fortune that she’s about to get kissed, and they have the most awkward kiss of the night. Ugh was this her first kiss? WILL?

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Oh that was great. So great. I’m not throwing up in my mouth I just think I got air down the wrong pipe or something.

Jojo tells Will she’ll keep his fortune teller which is a bold-faced lie.

A-Ro-Bro tells Jojo he’s goofy so she kisses him!!! Jojo: “Now THAT is a kiss.”

Now THAT is the kiss of a guy who doesn’t have to play his A-Ro-Bro card for a while.

A-Ro-Bro leaves and Jojo flails around, reacting to the moment. “His butt. I got to start doing squats.”

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DAT BUTT DOE.

Lord Harrison drops the First Impression Rose on the table and the men start to lose their shit. Especially Dick Pastor Evan who apparently has been through a hurricane: “I hope I get the first impression rose. I want a rose, period.”

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I want a rose, period. Let’s be real. That’s all I’m actually hoping for.

Mad Chad: “These guys are playing the super-sensitive card here, man, or something. I don’t know– ‘I’m afraid. I have feelings.’ Shut up.”

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The only thing men should be afraid of is how I framed Steven Avery.

Wells and Jojo have a one-on-one and his a capella group is still serenading Jojo.

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If this is Wells’ fetish, I’m fine w/ it.

Hipster Brandon tries to steal Jojo from Jake and Jake gets super aggressive: “No, no. Come back in five minutes. Bro, just please.” Jake also tells Jojo he’s an architect when he’s a landscape architect but that’s probably the least stretching any of these guys are doing describing their professions…

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No, Bro. Come back in five minutes. I’ve planted bougainvillea with bigger balls than you.

Mad Chad gets one-on-one time with Jojo and is a COMPLETELY different person– compassionate, upbeat, and less sociopathic. Jojo falls for it. Uh oh.

Mad Chad to Jojo: “It’s hard to find girls who are confident.”

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It’s really hard to find girls who are confident once I exploit all of their insecurities.

Mad Chad to camera: “I’m pretty confident that if I wanted her, I’ll have her, you know. I am like the manlier, more rugged version of Ben. He’s a good guy, but he’s just a softy. He’s just a soft, supple, smooth, friendly guy.”

Damn Daniel to Jojo: “Did you understand what I first said to you when I came in? I was like ‘Damn, Jojo’. Have you seen that viral video?” “No. Someone said ‘Damn Jojo’ in a YouTube video?” “Have you seen that video Damn Daniel?” “No.” “Have you been following the Internet for the last couple months?”

No, have you been going over your thoughts before you say them the last couple of hours?

To give us a break from this painful interrogation, we cut away to Santa’s gifts to remind us that this show is light-hearted.

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Mid-interrogation teddy bear and milk insert shot.

Mad Chad: “I don’t think that some of the guys have ever really met or seen or talked to a girl like her, so they’re throwing back a lot of drinks, and they all seem a bit nervous.”

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Santa chugging his beer through his beard.

Damn Daniel: “I had like one Fireball, two tequilas,two vodkas… I’m not a drinker myself and I probably have had the most to drink out there. That’s saying a LOT.”

Chase confirms: “The drunkest one I’ve talked to is the Canadian guy.”

I had like one Fireball, two tequilas, two vodkas, an 8-ball, 2 quaaludes, and a shit-ton of normal mushrooms that nice fellah Chad gave me.

Damn Daniel pokes Dick Pastor Evan in the belly button.

Dick Pastor Evan: “You can’t poke me in the belly button. Is that like a Canadian thing?”

Damn Daniel: “Maybe it’s just a weird thing, you know?” Yeah, MAYBE.

A guy who’s clearly never been to Canada.

As Damn Daniel gets more wasted, they start to film his face through a distorted glass.

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Maybe it’s just a weird thing, maybe it’s Maybelline.

Someone said SOMETHING to Damn Daniel and he strips in the Confessional Room. He appears to be missing a piece of his torso.

A sexually-charged ice hockey incident took off a good chunk of my stomach, ya know?

Mad Chad, disgusted, says almost to himself: “Don’t do it, dude” and it’s hilarious.

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Wait. Don’t do it dude. Please don’t put me one step closer to ownership of Jojo.

Oh but does he do it.

Stoned Hipster Brandon on Daniel’s dive into the pool: “Damnnn, Daniel.”

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Dammmmn, Daniel. Back at it again in that tiny black speedo doing sociopathic Canadian stuff.

Meanwhile, Jojo is filming a confessional which gets interrupted by wasted Splits Guy Nick who does not realize what’s going on.

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Can I talk to you about how I’ll never lie about loving you on a bathroom floor like Ben because there’s no way I’m making it past Week 2?

Jojo does a lot of excellent arm-work this episode to express her emotions.

Luke magically pulls a pair of cowboy boots from under a bench. I’m feeling bad for the PA who has to run around hiding and then gathering up all of Jojo’s presents. Jojo mistakes his stupidity for confidence.

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You wear a child’s size 6 right?

Jojo sits on Santa’s lap and then pulls his beard off to make sure he has all his face parts. He’s sweaty as hell.

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Let me just… make sure… OK good, teeth!

Rose Ceremony

Previous Fame-Whore Bachelor JAKE PAVELKA is the motherfucker that crashes the rose ceremony?!?! I hate that I’m even giving him any time on this recap because he was a waste of space, as if The Bachelorette has unlimited time for frivolity instead of 2 precious hours.

Superfan is going to kill himself if he doesn’t get a rose Night 1. Also not sure if Jojo was going to pick Barber Vinny until he made this face.

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Sweeney Todd was based on a true story.

Jojo sends home Forgettable Peter, Coley, Splits Guy Nick, Kilt Jonathan, and Jake. Surprisingly, Dick Pastor Evan and Damn Daniel soldier on. It’s morning when the cast-offs leave the house so they must’ve been filming the cocktail party for 12+ hours.

THAT GLOVE!!! IF YOU LOOKIN FOR A MAN WHO CAN COMMIT…

Upcoming scenes: Mad Chad’s a maniac. Ex-Swimmer-Robby has a girlfriend. OMG THEY HAVE A-RO-BRO GO ON A FOOTBALL DATE NO WAY?!?!

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

The Bachelorette Preview: Jojo’s Beaus

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