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September 26, 2016
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"You in the American Media are such curious creatures: You routinely bend over, yet can never find your spines."

INBOX:

Mr. Sonneveld:

Not sure if you Big Media types over at Funny or Lies!!! are aware of this, but a Hollywood marriage breaking up is not “news” to anyone - it is just more manufactured content to keep the public distracted from the real issues.

Seriously, are the news agencies even trying to hide the influence corporations have over them, anymore? I’m sure the media blackout over the North Dakota pipeline standoff has nothing to do with the oil industry controlling the media’s purse strings.

That same industry is literally destroying the foundation of the earth with toxic fracking, but who cares about the structural integrity of the planet when you’ve got to make Brad and Anjelina front page news!

You greedy idiots, who are more concerned with ratings than real reporting, propped up and made a hero out of Donald Trump, and now that carny, xenophobic genie is out of the bottle and infecting our nation worse than your fear-mongering Zika Virus headlines.

Of course, I’m sure a reasonably-priced cure for all infections will be put on the market once the poison merchant Monsanto and pharma kingpin Bayer conglom to form a giant, corporate Death Star. Not!

You in the American Media are such curious creatures: You routinely bend over, yet can never find your spines.

What’s almost worse than your content management is the fact that - with all of these terrible things going on in the world - Anjelina and Brad couldn’t just STAY unhappily married. Instead, they have to steal all this attention away from the aforementioned real issues. Frankly, I’m disappointed. And she calls herself an activist.

Thank you for taking the time to read this email – if you didn’t already delete it. But mostly, thank you for being part of the problem.

From Hell,

Jennifer Aniston

OUTBOX:

Mr. Aniston:

Thank you for your interest in Gary Sanchez Productions, Inc. Your ticket number is VOX476521. Please refer to it in all future correspondence. A representative will respond within 48 hours.

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Regards,

Stephen Sonneveld
Contributing Reporter
Funny or Die
A Gary Sanchez Company
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PS – Thanksgiving is November 25. Check out our online store for great gift ideas Mom will love!

Contributing reporter Stephen Sonneveld is the award-winning creator behind the acclaimed comic “Superman versus Cancer,” the New York Times Bestseller “Disney’s Marvel’s Spider-Man versus Sagittarius,” and the total cash grab, “Harley Quinn Visits Star Wars and also either Marries or Kills Deadpool, Pending Focus Group Results.”

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