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March 27, 2012

"If this is Golding, I'd hate to read Bronzing!" "Hohohoho!" A sequel to that book you were forced to read in high school, starring everyone's favorite, The Muppets!



The Muppets in “Lord of the Flies”


Chapter One

Oh no! Kermit and the gang find themselves stranded on an isolated island after their plane crash. “Plain crash?” said Fozzie Bear. “It seemed pretty out of the ordinary to me! We are never going to pi-LET Animal fly a plane again. Wocka wocka!”


Chapter Two

“Alright, we need some order around here,” said Kermit. “I’ll be in charge of the food. I’m appointing myself, the Lord of the Flies!”                                           

Gonzo asked, “Kermit, have you even read the book?”

 “What book?”

 “ "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People!" ” Gonzo cried. “You need to get people on your side before you force them to do things for you.”

“Democracy,” said Sam the Eagle. “It’s the American way.”

“Gonzo knows best,” said Statler. Added Waldorf, “Really? I think his nose is the worst.”  

“Okay, so who votes Kermit to be the Lord of the Flies?” asked Scooter.

“Kermit is the leader and I’m the First Lady or the little guy gets it!” screamed Miss Piggy.

Everyone agreed.


Chapter Three

Later, Kermit found a beautiful conch shell on the beach and said, “Whenever I blow it, the group will assemble for their daily chores.”

“Doesn’t he blow it pretty often?” asked Waldorf. “Oh, you mean the shell!”

“Hey, man,” said Dr. Teeth. “We just wanna make beautiful music. You know what my favorite kind of music is? Conchy-tonk!”

Kermit shook his head. Mayhem ensued on the island. Upon hearing an echo of the word “blow”, Crazy Harry demolished half of the island.


Chapter Four

          Kermit came to terms with the fact that not all the Muppets were going to able to survive just on flies. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew was tasked with starting a fire to cook with. Somehow, he ended up setting Beaker on fire instead. “Did Beaker do a bad job?” asked Fozzie Bear, with an arrow seemingly stuck through his head. “Because he just got FIRED.”

          Lew actually found a sustainable food source just off the island ... FISH! Unfortunately, he preferred juggling them and turning them into boomerangs to actually eating them.

          The Swedish Chef chased Camilla and a few of the chickens into the depths of the forest. “Bork, bork, bork,” he cried menacingly, wielding a butcher knife. But as they descended further into the wilderness, The Swedish Chef grew weary. “Bork, bork, bork,” he said sadly.

          Then he spotted it – a beast! A great, terrible monster of some sort was emerging from a thicket of grass. The chickens squawked and The Swedish Chef screamed in terror, “Bork, bork, bork!”


Chapter Five

Upon further inspection, it was revealed there was no beast at all. The silhouette had actually belonged to Rizzo the Rat, standing on Pepe the Prawn’s shoulders.

“See?” said Kermit pointedly. “There was no beast.”

“Hey, man, that is like not fair to say, I am a beast, I carried Rizzo all this way,” retorted Pepe, slightly hurt.

“I’ve been lifting weights,” added Rizzo, flexing a bicep which then drooped comically. “Rats.”


Chapter Six

Tensions arose in the group over the plot of the story. “Hey, Kermit, isn’t this just the plot of “Muppets Treasure Island” ?” asked Rowlf.

“No,” said Kermit. “This one is different because ... there ... is no treasure.”

“You’ve got that right,” said Statler.

“Hey, yeah,” added Gonzo. “How is this any different from “Gilligan’s Island” or “Lost” or “Cutthroat Island ”?”

“Cutthroat!” said Fozzie Bear. “That is what I should have done before watching that mess!”

“Uh, Fozzie,” said Scooter, scanning his clipboard. “You’re not allowed to make jokes about that sort of thing in a Muppet story.”

“Okay,” said Fozzie Bear. “All jokes “icide” ...”

“Now I know why they teach this book in school,” said Waldorf.

“You think it’s that good?” asked Statler.

“No!” cried Waldorf. “I think it’s that bad!” They shared a hearty laugh, two of very few people still in agreement in the otherwise crumbling society.


Chapter Seven

Scooter approached Kermit and Piggy. “Your Lordship ... Madame Piggy... you aren’t going to like this, but ... we tracked down a copy of the original book, and at some point in the story, we need to decapitate a pig...”

“You are not touching a hair on my recently permed head,” said Miss Piggy haughtily. “What about Hogthrob?”

“But my face is beautiful,” said Hogthrob.

“Oh, please! You have a face only a sow could love!” shot back Miss Piggy.

The rest of the Muppets grew restless and started chasing Kermit and Miss Piggy up the mountain. War cries of “Bork, bork, bork, pork, pork, pork” ensued.

Suddenly they found themselves at a dead end. Unsure how they were going to get out of there, Kermit started to panic when Pepe the Prawn pushed a large boulder towards them from the crag above.

“Oh...no...you...DON’T!” cried Miss Piggy, karate chopping the boulder in half. “HIIIIIII-YA!”

“Wow,” said Fozzie Bear. “Miss Piggy kind of ROCKS!”

Everyone had forgotten that Beaker was on fire. A steady scream of “MEE MEE MEE” grew louder and louder, as everyone turned to see him running towards the group. Behind him, the entire forest was ablaze.

“I guess they will not have Tom Hanks back for the sequel,” Fozzie Bear quipped. “Because forest just got fired!”

All the Muppets ran towards the water desperately, in hopes of not being burned alive. They spotted a figure in a boat rowing towards the shore. A very large, very familiar figure, humming a song ... Sweetums!  

“Sweetums, what are you doing here?” cried Kermit in relief as he reached the shore.

“You guys told me I wouldn’t fit on the plane,” said Sweetums sadly. “So I rowed.”

“Hey Kermit, ever notice how this book has the wrong title? Why is a story about a plane crash is called Lord of the FLIES?” asked Fozzie Bear.

“FOZZIE!” everyone groaned.

Together they all climbed into the rowboat, not knowing where they were headed exactly or where a port may be. But together they sang:

Someday we’ll find it / The rowboat connection / Landlubbers, our plane crashed, at sea!”