Snow globes are a holiday tradition. Normally they show beautiful tableaus of celebration, peace, and families spending time together over the holidays. But for most of us, that doesn’t reflect the holiday experience we actually have. Here are some realistic holiday snow globes.
Your Family Sitting In The Living Room Staring At Their Phones
You fly in to visit, open gifts, take fun photos, then get on your phones and stay there. Forever. Everyone spends the rest of the day texting their friends, and getting likes, favs and hearts from people around the country doing the exact same thing. Then, everybody goes to bed thinking about how nice it was spending time together.
Drunk Co-Workers Kissing Under The Mistletoe
Every Christmas party has those two co-workers who are so hammered that one moment they’re screaming, the next they’re crying, and finally making out hard in a door frame. They’re the people who send mass texts apologizing the next day, and become extremely quiet at work just hoping they’re not fired…but they won’t be. They’re the ones who made this the most memorable holiday party yet. Plus, everyone wants to know if they banged.
Stepping In Dog Poop Hidden Under Snow
It’s that magical time of year when you take a peaceful mid-afternoon walk through freshly fallen snow, and step in a huge pile of frozen dog shit your neighbor refused to pick up. Every December, you scream cuss words at the sky as you rake the sole of your new Nike’s across the curb trying to scrape off as much unused Purina as possible.
Mall Santa, After-hours
Santa drunk in his studio apartment holding a bottle of Jack, watching informercials for Dyson Vacuums, eating Papa Johns, and smoking Pall Malls surrounded by conspiracy theory cork boards covered in red yarn.
Blowing Weed Smoke Out Your Family’s Bathroom Window
Nothing says holidays like wanting to smoke weed like always, but having to hide in the bathroom to do it. The ritual of turning on the ceiling fan to circulate the air, sitting on the toilet holding a lighter and glass pipe, and cracking open the window to blow beautiful plumes of pot smoke without being disowned by your disapproving parents. (parents who possibly grew up in the 1960’s and for sure smoked weed when they were cool)
Opening Every Gift Wishing It Was Money
On Christmas morning it’s tough to beat seeing the fake excitement on everyone’s face as they pretend to like gifts that aren’t money; unwrapping a sweater from Macy’s you’ll surely return to keep the money, or a gift certificate to iTunes that would’ve been better if it was money cuz you rip all your music off the internet. This is the most honest Snow Globe of all. It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the money we could’ve had instead to do whatever we want with.
Illustrations By Michele Rosenthal