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September 04, 2015
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Beyoncé turns 34 years old today and she deserves to be celebrated. Please us the following as a guide.

Beyoncé turns 34 years old today and she deserves to be celebrated. Please use the following as a guide.

  • Call whichever Michelle Williams you know and tell them you love them.
  • Tell Beyoncé, “I heard you’re having a birthday today,” to which she will respond, “Thank you.”
  • If you’re Kelly Rowland you better hurry up and buy something nice because if you ever, EVER forget to buy a birthday gift for Beyoncé again you are DONE, you hear me? Now GET OUT OF THE LIMO.
  • Buy her a month of Tidal, that shit’s expensive.
  • Compose a 2,500-word Tumblr post on the cultural significance of that time Beyoncé stood in front of the word FEMINIST at the VMAs.
  • Go to Applebee’s, tell them it’s Bey’s birthday. After that, everyone eats free.
  • Find all family pictures in your house and paste cutouts of Beyoncé’s face over your mom’s, because Beyoncé is Mom.
  • A nice, handmade card, but not the kind that makes it so the police have to come to your house.
  • Whisper her name into your pillow while your wife sleeps, just like every other night.
  • Record a happy birthday video message really close up to your face and start tearing up about how beautiful she is and how God is good and life is a blessing.
  • Get her the one thing she doesn’t have: eternal life
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