As I have lived in Los Angeles for close to six months now, I have been trying to expand my sexual preferences. I’m still a little upset that I didn’t study abroad in college, so to make up for it, I’m attempting to sleep with a handful of individuals from each race – yes, even Asians.
A few people were offended when I wrote last week about how I Considered Blackface to impress a guy I liked, but in all honesty, suck my dick. My white dick. People have every right to get offended, but please note that I have built huts in Trenchtown, Jamaica, served three months with African refugee children on the west side of Buffalo, New York, and in college, I took half a dozen African-American history classes by professors who were active and positive influences in the Civil Rights Movement – I am by far not an “expert,” but if one is unable to understand how comedy is used as a tool for social change and leverage on controversial issues, send me an email because I probably know more about African culture than you do.
OK - that was my little rant. Now onto more important things.
When I first moved in Southern California, I Lived With Illegal Immigrants while I was looking for an apartment of my own. I’m not going to say if I had a sexual liaison with any of my new friends, but one thing is for sure – everyone should fuck an illegal immigrant. ! (turn this exclamation point upside down) Muy Caliente! Here are my reasons why you should have sex with illegal immigrants!
Reason ( 1 ) One – Self Grooming. Illegal immigrants are amazing at gardening, and I’m not just talking about on the lawns of rich white people. Have you ever seen the body hair on an illegal immigrant? Amazing. I swear to God, one time I saw “Carlos” in black pubic hair trimmed above a dudes left ball. Also, after you are done banging them, offer to give them four dollars under minimum wage and they will happily trim your pubes for you, too.
Reason ( 2 ) Two - Role Play. The older one gets the more unique and kinky they want the sex to be. While some people take this a little too far, simple role play can be used to spice up a relationship. That being said, illegal immigrants are awesome at role play. They already pretend to be a citizen 24 hours a day, so how hard will it be for them to act as a doctor, cop, or fireman? Please note : DO NOT ask them to role play as a border patrol officer, that will get them very upset. Geeez, can’t anyone take a joke nowadays?
Reason ( 3 ) Three – Language Barrier. Have you ever had sex with someone who would not shut up? PROBLEM SOLVED. Although more and more illegal immigrants are becoming bilingual, most of them still only speak Spanish. For those that like to talk during sex, it’s easier to tune out when they talk in a different tongue. For best bets, wait at the border and bang the first senor or senorita you meet. I’m sure they’ll be horny – they just came into America, and some of them will want to go a step further and come into you.