FIRST AMISH MAN GETS NETFLIX
“If this is as far as you've come, this is as far as you've come,” he says
LANCASTER COUNTY , PA – Time to queue up! For something other than butter, for once!
In an effort to battle plummeting membership and stock value, Netflix has decided to reach out to the one branch of humanity that is not yet familiar with how to stream movies online for free: the Amish.
Though the Amish people of Lancaster County are very dedicated to preserving their traditions and maintaining an 18th century lifestyle with as much authenticity as possible, they are also not one to turn away a crying man. Recently, they met one such man: A very desperate representative for Netflix who arrived in Lancaster County via his “motorized horseless buggy”, dropped to his knees brandishing a shiny rectangular futuristic “dictionary”, and begged citizens to take a look at the instant “streaming” “website” “Netflix.”
One brave Amish man, Sebastian Dabney-Miller, volunteered himself for the task.
“I’m proud to be an Amish man, sure, but I thought, alright, perhaps I could spend a few hours doing something new,” he said. “Other than plowing the fields, churning butter, or erecting an entire wall of a wooden house using a pulley system. Maybe the wife, the kids and I could do something together as a family for once, other than trying to cure my dysentery with spiritual remedies. So I signed up for this “Netflix”. It was 8 dollars a month. I thought, well, that’s my whole year’s salary blown in one month, but I’m sure this site will be all its representative cracks it up to be, and more!”
“Does this “website” feature every moving picture ever made?” Dabney-Miller asked the man from Netflix.
“No,” he replied.
“But it features a great deal of them, ones which the public hold in high esteem, and are wanted in great demand?” Dabney-Miller asked.
“Somewhat,” was the answer he was given.
Curious, Dabney-Miller asked, “So the 21st century has yet to figure out a way to make moving pictures available to the public without needing to affix a fee?”
“No...yes,” the Netflix representative replied.
Dabney-Miller browsed the website for 20 minutes bemusedly and watched 15 minutes of a “comedy” he was assured he would “love” (the American classic “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde”) before realizing the mistake he had made.
“I know I don’t have much right to be a snob, just discovering motion pictures today, but ... All of the moving pictures on here are “quirky” independent comedies with hand-drawn posters, or third-rate horrors, or sequels to moving pictures that they don’t even feature the original installment of. Did you know that there is an “Air Bud 4”? I did not even realize there was an “Air Bud 1” until right now, but I cannot see how the premise of a dog who plays sports can even stretch into that many installments. How come sometimes the pictures on screen move, but most of the time they are frozen and a red line keeps slowly inching across the bottom? I thought the future was above all that.”
In desperation, the Netflix representative pointed Dabney-Miller towards his website’s apparent saving grace: the television section. Obviously Dabney-Miller had never heard of such groundbreaking AMC shows as “Breaking Bad”, “Mad Men”, and “The Walking Dead”, but he was informed that they were all very good shows and that he could watch dozens of available episodes at the click of a mouse.
Dabney-Miller was impressed, until he realized one detail.
“These “episodes” all say 2010. Isn’t it 2012 on your calendar? There’s a discrepancy here of more than a year. Why should you expect me to wait that long to see things the rest of the world already has? I’m Amish, but I’m not stupid.”
Dabney Miller soon cancelled his Netflix account, though he can be assured he will be charged erroneously for it for the rest of his life.
There is a happy ending to it all, however. When the Netflix representative wasn’t looking, Dabney-Miller took a quick scroll through his laptop and came across a website he had clearly forgotten to erase from his internet history called “RedTube”. Upon discovering the website, Dabney-Miller shuffled a few feet away with the laptop in hand, informing bewildered onlookers that he had some butter to churn.