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June 21, 2017

Ideally, yes of course, you'd be having sex with a human - but if for whatever reason that isn't working out you have options outside of your species that are seriously not that weird.

Great ape


Hear me out. The great ape is basically a person. Physically, it’s pretty on point. Mentally, I guarantee you can find an ape as smart as, say, the dumbest person you know. Why not close your eyes and go to town with an aggressively hairy, super dumb “person?” That’s close to normal.



Just hear me out. The ape wasn’t interested. Fair. How about a cow? A cow has a lot going for it. It’s soft, pillow-like, and honestly very chill. Imagine the cuddle session afterwards - it could last for days. Sometimes people want to do the deed and then hit the reed (road), but a cow isn’t going anywhere. Fact: a cow moves less than five miles in their entire life. Committable, much? Sounds near perfect to me.



Okay, okay. Hear me out. The cow was a no-go. Forget the cow, time for an upgrade: a sheep! Similar to a cow but WAY better, a sheep offers the delicateness you demand, but actually has stamina. A sheep could never be considered a lazy sex partner probably. They’re nimble, quick, and are known to frolic. Imagine being rocked to orgasm by the softest blanket in existence. That’s not so weird.



Simply hear me out. Denied by a sheep, whatever. Who needs sheep? Not you, when you’ve got yourself a bear. Hell yeah. Picture being tackled and mounted by 500 pounds of muscle and confidence. There you are, sitting in the woods when all of a sudden you hear a rustle in the bushes (it’s a bear). It’s your bear. That’s not so odd.



Please. Hear me out. New direction: a finch is small and agile. It could be at your toes, then up to your head, across the room, and back to your toes in a matter of seconds. That sounds fun and sex is best when fun is involved. Who would argue that?



Hear. Me. Out. So the finch had other ideas WELL so do you. A snake is absolutely a good candidate for a sexual partner. A snake can slither around your body, hold you tight, and poke its tongue in and out of wherever the two of you want. I mean, hello? Answer the phone - it’s pretty normal sex calling, and it’s for you.



Ooooooooooh got it, hear me out. Fish! There you are submerged in salty liquid being engulfed by slippery fins as little mouths open and shut all over your entire body. If you add in some natty light that’s pretty much the college experience – so that’s straight up normal



Oh my god, just hear me out. Looping back to mammals for obvious reasons. Deer are like mythical creatures minus the wings. There’s something mysterious about deer and isn’t that what we are looking for in a sexual partner? Explore what lies beyond the forest and maybe you’ll discover a new way of thinking. We all get this. Pretty normal.



And bingo was his name-o. Just fucking hear me out. Dogs aren’t referred to as “man’s best friend” for nothing. With a dog you got companionship (boom), loyalty (boom), and a crazy large tongue (ka-boom). You get yourself a dog and you got yourself a partner. What’s so weird about that?