April 17, 2009
The day has come. Finally, a real-life tabloid Tipster (who asked to remain anonymous), is coming clean with the dirt of leading such a shameful existence.
Allegedly, this Tipster may or may not have made a lot of money by dishing out unverifiable facts for money (and possibly some sexual favors). While I am allegedly disgusted by this practice, it is my hope that the following interview, which I may or may not have conducted, will set the record straight:
ES: So, what caused you to contact me here at Funny or Die?
Alleged Tipster: Well, tattling on people for money made me feel like a social prostitute.
ES: Just to clarify, how much money are we talking about here?
Alleged Tipster: It varies. I mean, when the stories I tell turn out to actually be true, it is a lot, and sometimes worth so much that I can buy top-shelf hookers. But, as you can imagine, when people find out I'm lying, or just trying to get famous off of other people, it isn't worth as much.
ES: Take me in to the underworld of being a low-life Tipster.
Alleged Tipster: It is crazy. See, we pretty much don't have any lives of our own. During one of our annual conventions, we all found that growing up our favorite type of books to read were "choose your own adventure" books. That and porn.
ES: Forgive me for cutting you off, I'd like to make sure I understand what that means...
Alleged Tipster: Oh, that's alright. Since none of us had any talent to write or pursue anything productive by any standard, we all got started at a very young age by choosing our own adventures. Most all of us would get through CYOA tales fairly quickly, then release some steam by popping in a Ron or Jenna flick.
ES: I'm still not exactly following...
Alleged Tipster: Oh, right, the annual convention. Once we started talking about our pasts with one another, we realized that if we created adventures and tied it in with the only other things we knew about life (sex sells&celebrites are people that everyone want to know)...the camera & technology fields started booming on the NYSE. We would all sell/trade pictures with one another, and at some point we realized that this would be a lucrative venture on the "US Gossip Exchange", as we pap'zis like to call it.
Alleged Tipster: You don't have any other questions? You didn't say anything.
ES: You still haven't made it abundantly clear as to why you are telling me any of this.
Alleged Tipster: Well obviously you are going to pay me something for telling you how we operate, right?
Alleged Tipster: Oh. Well actually I'm not a Tipster at all. I just wanted some money, and thought that story sounded pretty believable.
ES: You sure sound like a Tipster to me.
[That concluded the interview between the alleged tipster & myself, which may or may have taken place at some point]