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THE ULTIMATE TV FANTASY FAMILY
BY
JOSHUA PROCTOR

Ok so it’s fantasy football season. It’s that magical time of year where people read up on the 3rd string Redskins kicker. Oh shit! Is it ok to say Redskins? Ok how about the 3rd string Native Americans kicker. But why should sports have all the fun. We can use this fantasy thing for anything? I mean it’s a good damn fantasy. So here is the first of a series of different fantasy drafts. This one is to help you draft the ultimate tv family! I will rank the best t.v dads all the way down to the best t.v pets. The rankings will be from 5-1. One being the best. So remember just draft the best available and remember DON’T DRAFT TONY ROMO THAT DUDE SUCKS!

Lets start with the Q.B’s of the t.v families. The Dads!
TOP 5 DADS:

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5. Uncle Phil: The voice of Shredder

It’s pretty hard to crack the dads top 5 when your first name is Uncle. But Mr.Phil had 4 great kids of his own (Don’t forget about Nicky) but he also took in a young kid from West Philadelphia who spent most of his days on a…..tennis court? I don’t recall. He would be higher than number 5 on this list but Uncle Phil was a bit of a Uncle Tom. I mean remember Geoffrey? I guess it would have been to hard to find a white British butler. On the other hand what type of asshole spells Jeffrey like Geoffrey.

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4. Carl Winslow:Who knew that Family Matters was a Die Hard Spin-off?

Carl is number 4 cause he not only was a badass cop from Chicago but he was also in FUCKING DIE HARD!!!!!! 1 and 2! He was in two for about 4 minutes but it still counts! That alone puts him on this list. I mean one of his daughters just went missing. Like for real. Judy Winslow look her up. Like maybe their next door neighbor killed her. That dude seemed a bit off. He also might be showing up later on in this article.

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3. Rick Grimes: The British walker killer

Rick is the only one of the dads who is living during a apocalypse and is a bachelor! His whore of a wife Lori died after giving birth to his daughter when her son shot her in the face and then zombies ate her body. You know that old story.

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2. Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable: The only doctor who subscribes Jell-O

The doc comes in at number 2! I mean he was such a badass nobody questioned why the show was called The Cosby Show when his name on the show was Huxtable. His wife was a lawyer,his son hung-out with Adam Sandler (see picture below and he got his car from Sinbad!!!! #baller

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Adam is the one in the middle

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1. Danny Tanner: The God of dads. Sorry God but you’re #6

The Peyton Manning of t.v dads. Nobody can touch Danny with his sweet G rated family comedy. He may have been living in a house with 2 other men in San Francisco but Danny was a pimp. Not 100% sure what happened to his wife. I think she left him after she walked in on him and Uncle Jesse. But this dude was a host on the hottest morning talk show in San Fran! As the old saying goes his house may have been full but I’m sure his balls weren’t

TOP 5 MOMS:

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5. Dr. Quinn: I would catch dysentery to see this doctor

The Medicine Woman was a mom back in the wild west. She had to……..ok I only put her on this list cause Bret Hart was in a couple of episodes. That’s all can remember about this show. But how bad could she be. Do they really need the “Medicine Woman” part in the title? I mean I think the doctor part kind of covered that already. Also I think she makes jewelry now. So I guess it would be Dr. Quinn: Cheap Jewelry Marker

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You see the Hitman was a cowboy!

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4. Carol Brady: She hooked up with her son

I know it seems low for Carol. But if you think about Carol’s back story it’s a kind of odd. She had 3 daughters with some dude who once again is just gone. Dead or something. (My god that is already the 3rd family member who is missing.) Then she starts banging this dude with 3 sons and a missing wife.(*#4) The 8 of them and Alice all lived in a house with no toilets. So that’s why she is only #4. Besides having that nanny she is also just kind of creepy.

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3. Jill Taylor

It’s tool time! Jill makes the top 3 for one reason. It takes a strong woman to be fake married to Tim Allen for years. Not only was she blowing Buzz Lightyear she also is the mother of Simba!

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Huge fan of Binford tools

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2. Roseanne: Looks like she eat the Barr #pun

Cher,Kesha,God and Roseanne. It takes a great person to go by one name and Roseanne fits that bill. The queen of white trash showed America how the lower class people lived and when I mean lower class I mean like rock bottom. Not only a great tv mom but my god she can sing! (See video below unless you don’t want to wish you were deaf) She was good enough to convince Fred Flintstone to marry her. YABBA DABBA DOO!!!!!!!!!!

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1. Peggy Bundy: The Queen of moms

Most people might know her from being getting trains ran on her by biker gangs but before that Peggy was the first Milf on t.v. To the naked eye it may have seemed that she was just a awful mother but she raised a daughter and a son while being married to a shoe salesman and still managed to spend have the family’s money on Bonbons. The Bundys were the first modern family on tv (Al was in both shows! That’s the joke!) and Peggy was the leader.

TOP 5 SONS:

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5. Kids from Home Improvement: They’re all tied for last

Mark,Brad and Randy come in at number 5. Their all tied cause they’re all equally lame. Mark was a goth kid for like a season or something. He looked more like a lame ICP fan. Well all ICP fans are lame so I guess just a ICP fan. Brad the oldest brother really never had anything going on. I think there was a episode where he was touched by Al. Then of course you got Randy. The second biggest star of the show. Randy aka Tom….or Huck (I don’t know which one) was a huge Teen Beat superstar back in the 90’s however since then he just became a lame answer to some stupid trivia questions. Who played Randy on Home Improvement? Answer: Thomas Jonathan Taylor! Duh!

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Thomas Jonathan Taylor

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4. Doogie Howser: Future Tony Awards host

Dr. Howser is a top 4 son cause besides being a kid doctor his theme song is the shit!!!!! (See video below!) I mean only the thing more catchy than that song is Aids. I mean I think we all know how he met your mother he was nailing her! And by her I mean he

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3. Carl Grimes: The mom killer

Carl has a lot going on in his life. He had to kill his mother,he killed his real dad Shane and has to grow-up during the zombie apocalypse. He was almost raped by some random gang of dudes as well. I’m sure our #4 would have liked that! He would be higher on the list if he only STAYED IN THE GOD DAMN HOUSE! DAMN IT CARL!

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2. Cory Matthews: I just want to punch him for some reason

Cory! We watch him meet the world for years. He was funny as a kid but as he got older he just become old looking and less funny. Like we didn’t want to see him talk about or have sex with that chick with huge lips? But before the show jumped the shark it was pretty great. One of the dads on that show was Vader! (I know the second pro wrestling reference) He is only number 2 cause I’m pretty sure him and Mr. Feeny had something on the side going on.

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1. Kevin Arnold: Hey! That’s the kid from Little Monsters

Kevin is the all-time best son in t.v history. He had his own narrator! He was friends with a young Marilyn Manson and he was a Jets fan!!!! He dated that chick. I forgot her name. I think it was Tigger

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

TOP 5 DAUGHTERS:

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5. Judy Winslow

The great missing daughter comes in at number 5. The Amelia Earhart of t.v. Was on Family Matters season 1 until season 4 until she realized that family does not matters and got on the first train to “Who was that one kid” City

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4. Tamera and Tia: I think Tia was the one that couldn’t act or maybe that’s Tamera

The sisters are tied for 4th. These 2 owned Thursday nights on the W.B Network! They’re were twins! So you could probably guess what kind of trouble they got into for 6 years. 6 YEARS! Man alive this shit was on for 6 years?! What was wrong with American!? Smart Guy was only on for 3 seasons…….ugh

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3. D.J Tanner: Fuck The Olsen twins

D.J Tanner in the house!!!! The Full House that is! (*pun) Besides have the name of every “funny” d.j in the 90’s D.J was the leader of the Tanner kids. Not sure what D.J stands for. I could look it up but I feel like that would be a waste of a Google search. She was dating Aladdin! The voice anyways. I wonder who the best man was at their wedding? #riprobinwilliams

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The king of thieves

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2. Sarah Reeves Merrin

Who and why? I mean look at her

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1. Marcia Brady: yoooooooooooooooooooo

Marcia Marcia Marcia! That noise you’re hearing is Jan hanging herself. Marcia was the hot Brady. Even with a broken nose she was still a 9 out of 10. She was really into LSD. I ran out of facts I knew about her sorry

TOP 5 BEST FRIENDS:

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5. Kenan and Kel: This picture seems wrong

Welcome to Good Burger the home of The Good Burger can we take your order? Can you think of 2 cooler dudes that you rather hangout with? I mean their Nickelodeon comedy will never get old!…..Ok well it got old pretty fast. But Kenan is killing it on SNL and Kel is like the best asst. manager in K-Mart history

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This was taken on Kel first day at his new job 4 months ago

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4. Jazz: #fly

Will’s friend co-creator of the coolest greeting ever. Served as Uncle Phil’s throwing tool for years. He also owned some of best sunglasses in t.v history . You would think Will would have let this dude in one of his movies. Like Hitch could have had a 40 something friend that still jams out to soft 90’s rap and who lives at home still. Jazz would have been great for that!

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3. Kimmy Gibbler: Pro-hooker

Kimmy was just awful. She was always there and she made Danny Tanner want to hit her. Danny Tanner. He was our #1 dad! I always thought that Kimmy and Joey would make a great couple. I know I should cut it out. She wrote a book! Who in the hell would read that shit? I guess the same people who watched the show.

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Told you. Michael Wilbon? The dude from PTI? wtf

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2. Buddy Lembeck: The man who was in charge of the dude in charge

Charles may have been in charge but Buddy was the boss. I mean how could Buddy not be on the best friends top 5 I mean his name means friend! Fun fact about Buddy. He co-wrote the movie Argo! Oh sorry I mean he saw Argo. That has been the highlight of his career since the show

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Has nothing to do with Buddy just thought it was funny. It’s a Star Trek joke!

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1. Paul Pfeiffer: Beautiful person

Wonder Years wins again! His last name sucks. I mean look at it. Pfeiffer? What word starts with a pf? Paul is what a best friend should be. Not as good looking as you but a lot more of a loser than you. The best thing about Paul is the rumor that he became Marilyn Manson. Sadly for everyone this isn’t true. But it would have been fun to blame the Columbine school shootings on Mr. Pfeiffer’s music

TOP 5 NEIGHBORS:

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5. Wilson: The man behind the fence

Wilson the faceless wonder comes in at #5. He was always there to help Tim Allen out out with his problems. The joke was how you never saw his whole face. Not only a great joke but a great move on his part cause he used this role to launch his acting career into the next gear. He was in that one thing and you the one where he played the guy. He is so pissed that Al got to host Family Feud.

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4. Mr. Feeny: Catch him in the new spin-off Man Meets Mars

How great would it be to live next to your principal? Well that was the hell Cory was in for years on Boy Meets World. Not only a pretty ok principal but he was also a talking car! The first ever Transformer! K.I.T.T Feeny help solve crimes and then ran a school and still made it home in time to water his flowers.

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3. Ned Flanders

The only cartoon character to make the list. This god fearing neighbor is Homer’s buddy/enemy and is like the 3rd man on this list with a dead wife. Ned or as Homer calls him Stupid Flanders is such a great neighbor that he looks the other way when Homer steals all of his shit. That’s why everyone loves Ned Flanders.

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2. Cosmo Kramer: Joke master

Jerry’s neighbor is whacky Kramer. Who lets himself into Jerry’s apartment and into our heart’s. He loved Jerry so much that he tried doing some stand-up of his own. I think it went well. He had this one bit about people hanging from trees or something. It killed! I recall him getting a lot of press from it. From adding a screen door to his apartment to doing movie phone Cosmo kept us laughing up until the very racist end.

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#art

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1. Steve Urkel: I wish someone would Michael Brown him

Steve or as he is known on this list “The man who killed Judy” (That’s the 3rd time Judy was talked about. More than the show) Urkel was a pop icon! He was always breaking things and doing things to make Carl want to beat him with his nightstick. He would ask the same question every damn week. YES STEVE YOU FUCKING DUMB FUCK YOU DID DO THAT! But like most young sitcom stars he went from young,cute and funny to old,odd and just die already. So the next time he ask Did I do that? You can answer yes Steven you were number 1 on the all-time best neighbors list! Well done sir and no sorry I don’t have any spare change.

TOP 5 PETS:

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5. Mister Ed: The Talking Glue

The talking horse was on for 8 years. You might be thinking wow that seems long for a show like this but one could argue that it wasn’t long enough. I don’t anyone that dumb but I’m sure there is someone out there. Ed would only talk to Wilbur. So in a way Wilbur was the first Son of Sam.

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4. Lassie: The Real Underdog

Not only a great pet but a hero as well. I mean if it wasn’t for that damn well Lassie wouldn’t have anything to do. Put a cover on that thing for crying out loud!! Only if Lessie was there to save her (or is it he?) brother Old Yeller

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3. Vincent: So why were there polar bears on the island?

The dog from Lost. He also wrote the last season of the show. Which is way it made a lot of sense. Thanks for answering all of those questions we had. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD BOY!

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R.I.P Jack don’t worry the real leader is right next to you

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2. Tiger: He was seen somethings he can’t unseen

He is a dog named Tiger! I mean come on! It’s clever. I mean it would be like having a cat named Wolf! How funny would that be…..oh not that funny? Ok never mind…….

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“Bitch get the fuck off of me”

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1. Alf: You can get one at Pet Smart

Alf! No need to talk about Alf we all know he is the best. I know Garfield should have made the top 5 but someone ate him. Alf eats pussy #pun

So there you have it. The ultimate tv fantasy family would be: Danny Tanner with his wife Peggy Bundy. They would have 2 kids. Kevin and Marcia. Kevin would still have his best buddy Paul with I couldn’t break that team up. They would all would live next to Urkel and take turns walking Alf around the block. This would be the best show in t.v history!

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