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1. Cam Newton does full-on front flip into the endzone, tumbles out of the endzone, out of Charlotte, and is tumbling into Atlantic Ocean as we speak.

Newton is no longer in the National Football League, he’s been lost to mother ocean. Adjust your fantasy lineup accordingly.


2. It’s official: All the teams that are 2-0 are going to the Super Bowl and all the 0-2 teams should just quit now.
The Patriots, Bengals, Broncos, Packers, Falcons, Panthers, Cowboys, and Cardinals better start celebrating because they are Super Bowl-bound! While the Ravens, Texans, Saints, Lions, Bears, Giants, Eagles, and Seahawks might as well kill themselves because it’s all over and they failed.


3. Referees threw a record number of flags all over the place because that’s how they get their jollies.

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The Cowboys were called for a team record 18 penalties, the Bears tied a team record with 170 penalty yards, and going into the Monday night game the refs have thrown 3 flags short of an NFL record for a weekend.

Refs throw penalty flags to show their power and, let’s face it, it’s how they get off. They love grinding football games down to fitful stops and starts till fans forget if they’re watching a game or two sleepy bears making love.

“I always have trouble hiding my wood after throwing a flag”

— Jeff Triplette

4. Johnny “Football” Manziel doesn’t blow it big time, celebrates by eating money.

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With the football world ready to finally kick the proverbial coffin shut on Manziel this Sunday, Mr. J. Football actually didn’t blow it big time! Manziel celebrated in the locker room by taking his signature money rubbing dance one step further and ate a plate of $45.00 in 5’s and 1’s.

“It’s great to get a win for my team and the city of Cleveland! I immediately regretted eating that money though. Most of it had been passed all throughout Cleveland and was filthy.”

— A joyous but sweating and sick Johnny Manziel.

5. The Jaguars beat the Dolphins so the Dolphins got kicked out of the NFL.

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It stinks that Miami’s long and storied professional football tradition has to get completely wiped out because of one bad game, but that’s what happens when you lose to the lowly Jaguars. Also, the NFL has been granted full rights to Dan Marino’s social security number and credit cards, the 1972 Miami Dolphins were poisoned, and Sun Life Stadium is now where they store luxury beach front hotels that fell down.


6. Crickets get a shout out!

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Jerry Jones said he felt “Just about as low as a crippled cricket’s ass” after the Cowboys lost Tony Romo to injury. On the bright side, this shout out has given crickets a much needed boost in web traffic. Here to comment is a cricket:

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Me: So, we don’t hear too much about crickets in football news but this Jones quote is making the rounds, how have the last 12 hours been?

Cricket: “Any non-Jiminy, cricket chatter on the web is good news for the cricket community. On the other wing, Jones should have been a little more sensitive toward handicapped crickets. They have enough to deal with, being so easily eaten by frogs and all. I just wish he would have considered that.”

Me: Did you wish…upon a star–?

Cricket: This interview is over.

[Cricket hops out of door, realizes he hopped into a closet, then hops out of the closet and out of the actual door, completely embarrassed]


7. The quarterbacks of the NFC East spent Sunday night in a treehouse promising each other that no matter how much everyone made fun of them at school tomorrow, they would have each others’ backs.

Brandon Weeden, Eli Manning, Sam Bradford, and Kirk Cousins are prime bully bait and if they don’t stick up for each other, then no one will. If the NFL was ‘Freaks and Geeks,’ the NFC East QB’s no question would the Geeks: Sam (Bradford), Bill (Cousins), Neil (Weeden), and Harris (Eli). And Cam Newton is Lindsay, Marshawn Lynch is James Franco’s character, and Peyton Manning is Milly.

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8. Rex Ryan lost to the Patriots, cleaned out his office, and wished everyone a happy offseason.

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Coach Ryan was happy to “at least make the Super Bowl” and was hopeful the Bills will “Get back to the Super Bowl next season.“ He continued, "Whether we play the Patriots or another team, we will give it everything we got just like we did today, September 20th, when we played the Patriots in the Super Bowl.” I’m not sure if anyone has told Ryan that it was only a week 2 game, but the latest report has Ryan relaxing poolside, massaging his wife’s feet.

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