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June 27, 2018

We've ranked Justice Anthony Kennedy's top 3 fucking illest skateboard moves over the course of his illustrious 30 year career. Did your favorite make the cut?

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced his retirement from the federal court after serving for over 30 years. His absence is sure to create controversy once his replacement is announced, but there’s no denying he has played a major role in American politics over the last three decades. So, we thought it would only be appropriate to take a look back at his top 3 fucking sickest skateboard flips to date.

In your honor, Justice Kennedy.

3. Planned Parenthood v. Casey

In 1992, Kennedy oversaw the landmark abortion case Planned Parenthood v. Casey, which looked to challenge statutory provision regarding abortion within the state of Pennsylvania.

Kennedy announced that he would “uphold restrictions while affirming the Roe precedent”, deciding not to overturn Roe v. Wade despite initial reports that he might.

He then took a last sip of his RC cola, crushed the can on his head, and let out a gnarly belch. He flipped up his board so that everyone could see the Sublime decal, then hopped it onto the courtroom stand.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy jumped off and did a sick 360 before landing in the courtroom aisle and bursting through the door, whizzing by Sandra Day O’Connor and knocking a bunch of lame papers out of her hand.

Fucking legendary!

2. Texas v. Johnson

1989 saw young pup Kennedy joining a majority vote to protect flag burning in the controversial case of Texas v. Johnson. Kennedy noted that “it is poignant but fundamental that the flag protects those who hold it in contempt.”

He went on to ask the court “you know what else you can burn?” then took out like a huge spliff and sparked that bad boy up with a lighter shaped like a hot blond in a bikini. So awesome.

He took a huge hit (nobody had ever seen someone do that much drugs before) then passed it to Thurgood Marshall who was like “wh-wh-what?!?”.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy slammed down his custom-made Blockhead Notch Nose board and did a really smooth Ollie right in the middle of court.

Then Marshall asked if he wanted the spliff back and Kennedy was like “nah, keep it” and took out ANOTHER one! He lit it up and zoomed right out of the court and to the arcade where he fucking rocked Space Invaders til he had to go home for dinner.

Too bad they don’t talk about THAT in the history books!

1. Obergefell v. Hodges

2015, in the middle of Obergefell v. Hodges (a landmark case which would allow the court to rule the fundamental right to marry for same-sex couples within the U.S.), Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy authored the court’s majority opinion that “the Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach - a liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity.”

The court then overturned Baker v. Nelson, allowing same-sex marriages to be protected under the constitution. A huge win for equality and social progression all around, and an unforgettable day for same-sex couples waiting for the opportunity for their partnership to be legally recognized by the United States government with all of the necessary benefits that recognition provides.

Then, from the muffled sound of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s Beats Pill, they heard it. That’s right - it was Pearl Jam time, baby!

As Eddie Vedder’s voice crooned the words to “Even Flow”, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy took off his robe to reveal a pair of cargo shorts and a Nirvana tee, barely covering his sweet new half-sleeve of flaming dice, flaming guitars, and miscellaneous Japanese text.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy whipped out his vintage Alien Workshop board, said “I’ll see you on the other side”, and started to roll.

“The other side of what?” asked Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

“Of this nasty flip!” he yelled, just as the last chorus of “Even Flow” blared into the cavernous court of law.

He then did a 360 Varial Kickflip into a 360 Dragon Flip. He had some serious speed when he landed, so he went right into a Toe Flip then finished off with a 360 Mainecoon flip.

When he finished, Clarence Thomas handed him a can of PBR (which Kennedy fucking shotgunned like an animal) and then Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy yelled “party at Scalia’s” - and let me tell you, Antonin Scalia (RIP) was NOT happy.

Everyone went to Scalia’s house and blasted 311 and Incubus til like midnight. He had a pool table and everyone chipped in for pizza. It was so sweet.

Scalia kept telling everyone not to touch his parent’s china and everyone told him to buzz off. He totally tried to ruin the vibe. But eventually someone pushed him in the pool and then turned the music up. It was soooo funny lol.

Everyone carried Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy around on their shoulders and he did a keg stand and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve been to a party that cool. I also had like a pretty personal conversation with Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy at one point, and honestly, besides being like a really fun dude, he’s super smart and compassionate. Like he really listened to me. We’re not like great friends or anything, but like he’s a really good guy.

Here’s to 30 landmark years of service within the United States Justice System’s highest court.

Thank you, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy!