What’s up, internet? It’s ya boy, Hova. I’m dictating this article from my kitchen table, waiting to pull a tray of oatmeal raisin cookies out of the oven. I’m very sad right now, because my homie Kanye just texted me the terrible news that my lady-homie Kim Kardashian (Kanye’s wife) was robbed at gunpoint while on vacation in Paris.
Kanye was in the middle of a performance when he got the news and wasted no time stopping the show, citing a “family emergency.” Now, I’m sure you all know family is the most important thing in my life (besides money and chains LOL JK), but seriously, this is an incredibly scary situation that got me thinking: What if the same thing happened to me and Bey? What would we do? I’ve given it some thought and honestly … I don’t think she would stop her show for me.
I keep running the situation through my head. I’m in Dubai, or London, or Salt Lake City … with no kid, just me and 10 or 12 million dollars worth of jewelry and I get jacked. It’s crazy to think about it, but assuming, I’m totally fine … there’s just no world where Beyonce would disappoint her fans to rush to my side.
And why should she? I mean I’m a decently famous celebrity, but I’m certainly no Kim Kardashian. And hell, just last year, Bey made an entire album about me cheating on her, so I can understand if I’m not at the top of her “Must Stop Show” list.
I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for awhile. I see how Kim and Kanye are together, and B and I are both envious of their relationship for different reasons. She likes that they have a TV show and keep getting more famous every day. Meanwhile, I just like that Kanye thinks the world of Kim.
Of course, B used to think of me that way. But I don’t know … ever since I sold my ownership stake in the Brooklyn Nets to become an agent or whatever, it’s like she thinks less of me somehow. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe it goes back to the cheating and fornicating or whatever. I don’t know. I’m just trying to be a good dad, while keeping my social media presence on fleek, and also keeping up with new slang terms to help my once-popular rap career.
Speaking of, when’s the last time I even made a cool song for people to listen to? Beyoncé’s had like three or four nice, good songs this year alone. Maybe after I put Blue Ivy to bed I should whip out the ol’ GarageBand and bust out a fat beat to show Bey how much I still love her, so that in the event that I posted a photo of all my jewelry and my exact location to Instagram and then I immediately got robbed, she would at least call to see if I was OK. Or better yet, maybe I’ll give Pharrell a call and just have him write it for me.
Oh wow, it’s really late, I should probably rap this up. HAHA. “Rap” this up. Get it? Because I’m a rapper. Man, I bet Beyoncé would laugh at that joke, even if she had to wait ‘til after her show to hear it.