Obstacle runs are all the rage, now. The Spartan Race. The Warrior Dash. The Mud Run. They are how we are able to feel like we are on “American Ninja Warrior” without actually having to be on “American Ninja Warrior”. I’ve done the Warrior Dash so far and it was a good time.
But these races require a certain level of readiness. That 20 page wavier runners must sign isn’t there for your fun of signing things. So, as I prepare myself to tackle an upcoming Spartan Race, I’ve put together an extensive guide of how one must prepare him or herself:
1. Put breakfast pizza on the bottom shelf of the fridge so you have to bend over.
2. See how many weeks are left before the Spartan Race.
3. You’re confused because you thought you bought the calendar with the kittens dressed as pirates not pandas.
4. Decide to go for a run.
5. Feel good about your decision. Celebrate with a cookie.
6. Another cookie.
7. Panic because there are only two weeks before the race and walking into elevators still winds you.
8. Create a cure for acne.
9. Have your miracle drug accidentally heighten the intelligence of turtles everywhere.
10. Turtles are now mankind’s rulers. All hail the turtles.
11. Be sold into turtle slavery.
12. Become a gladiator and be forced to engage in fights to the death for the amusement of your turtle masters.
13. Kill your first opponent.
14. Ask the turtle crowd, “Are you not entertained?”
15. Gain the respect of spectators by becoming a spectacle on the field.
16. Become more popular than the Turtle Emperor.
17. Lead a revolt.
18. Enslave your former turtle suppressors.
19. With humanity back in charge, start your own Spartan Race, where challengers murder their former turtle suppressors.
20. Win the Spartan Race. Because murdering turtles is easy.