OK today sucks. Even though I’m a celeb, I have good days and bad days like the rest of you and today is definitely the latter. And it’s all cause of this fucking dress.
Literally all the time I ask, “What color is this dress,” and people are just like, “It’s red” or “It’s blue” or “It’s pants” and that’s the end of it. I’m never trying to “go viral,” I just get my answer and move on. But when Buzzfeed asks “What color is this dress” everyone trips over their mouse pads to weigh in and give a different answer.
I’m mad for a couple of reasons. The biggest being I feel excluded. Everyone looks like they’re having a really good time with this. It’s literally all the world’s talking about and I’m left holding my dick. I tried getting in on it. I took a shot in the dark and told my driver, “Personally, I think white and gold,” Be he just smiled and nodded his head like a patronizing parent. “Yeah, maybe, Stevie …” Then I tried to be like, “Or maybe it’s …Ebony and Ivory??” He completely missed my joke and had no idea I was name checking one of my songs. And sorry but I can’t have a driver who doesn’t know my songs so I fired him. The ONE silver lining to my bad day is that my driver’s day is now worse. (Side note: Are linings even silver? I honestly DK.) But I’m done trying. I’m gonna lock myself in my room and let you all yammer on about colors while I wait for the cultural conversation to change. (Fingers crossed Buzzfeed asks, “What smell is this?” — I am SO fucking good at “What smell is this?” Way better than the rest of you.)
I’m also mad cause not seeing color isn’t some friggin novelty. You’re all like, “HOW FUN!! I THINK BLUE BLACK BUT MY THERAPIST THINKS WHITE GOLD!!” Trust me — it won’t still be fun tomorrow. And it DEFINITELY won’t be fun the day after tomorrow and for the rest of your life. But you’re throwing this in my face. Would you go up to some kid without a tongue and be like, “No one can agree what this pizza tastes like so we’re all gonna eat pizza in front of you for the next 24 hours and talk about it.” You wouldn’t do that cause it’s rude as fuck. That’s what you’re all doing to me.
Finally, I’m mad cause I wasn’t done talking about those llamas. THAT I got to enjoy cause even though I couldn’t see the llamas, I was the one who let them out. It was really fun for me to listen to the live news reports. Those llamas should have reached IKEA Monkey levels of fame but we moved on from them way too soon. I thought I was picking a slower news day.
But whatever. Have your fun. I’ve got $110 million dollars so while today sucks, the rest of my life rules. Just try to be more considerate the next time we grab the nation’s attention. If you’re taking suggestions, maybe like, “Can you really hear the Genie say ‘take off your clothes’ in Aladdin?” Or, if she’ll agree to it, “What do these Kate Upton tits feel like?” I would love to join in on that.
Have a nice Friday but promise me we won’t still be talking about this on Monday.
Signed, Sealed, Delivered,
Columnist photo via IMDb