Um, so I just went on Twitter to see if I could get that chick who plays Supergirl to follow back (SHE WON’T!!) and couldn’t help but notice “BABY HITLER” was trending. At first I was like, “Wow, REALLY bad name for a child, guys…” but then quickly realized it was in reference to a comment I’d made to HuffPo today. Allow me to explain.
While campaigning in New Hampshire, The Huffington Post asked if I could go back in time would I kill Hitler as a baby. My immediate response was an emphatic, “HELL YEAH!” I said this for two reasons: 1) Cause I thought it sounded fun and that they were actually offering and 2) Cause I’ve been told if I wanna stay in this race, I really need to start spouting some crazy shit.
My entire campaign team is really begging me to go insane right now. Apparently, if I wanna compete with Trump and Carson, I need to double down on the bat-shit statements and tone down all the “policy talk.” Cause it’s not about the platform anymore, it’s about headline. With that in mind, allow me to take my response a step further. Hell yeah, I’d kill baby Hitler. IN FACT, I’D KILL ANY BABY!
Right now you pussies are all like, “No, he just didn’t!” and I’m here to tell you, “Yes, he just did.” If anyone has a baby they want killed, lemme know. Neighbor’s cryin’ baby keepin’ you up at night? I’ll take care of him. Dumb kid in the back of the airplane ruining your flight? I’ll throw on a Rocketeer pack, fly up in the sky, and toss it out the emergency exit. DIDJA GET THAT, JEZEBEL?! I hope so, cause these kinds of sound bites are EXACTLY what you can expect from Jeb 2.0.
Again — I’m not saying these things cause I want to. I’m saying them cause they’re working. The polls clearly show America wants an insane candidate so — here’s an insane candidate. Slip THESE beliefs on for size, voters!
- I could kick the shit out of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
- Drinking dog piss cures diabetes.
- I don’t believe Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton are different people.
- The Simpsons didn’t really hit its stride till Season 21.
Is this working?! Is this what you people want?! Cause, if not, I’ve got more! “I should be allowed to say the N-word if I’m singing a hip-hop song at karaoke and it’s part of the lyrics.” / “I personally believe urinals work just as well for going #2.” / “I love it when adults kiss children in a romantic way.” ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?! WHERE AM I IN THE POLLS NOW, CNN?! SPEAKING OF POLLS, 100% OF ALL JEB BUSHES BELIEVE VOWELS WERE INVENTED IN 1975 BY WHEEL OF FORTUNE TO MAKE MONEY.
Don’t like the new Jeb? Build a bridge and get over it, America, cause I’d rather be hated than ignored! And you don’t get to get mad either, cause you’re the ones who made me! YOU ASKED FOR THIS. So fuck your families and I’ll see you all at the next RNC debate where I’ll take my rightful place at the center podium and claim that, while Ben Carson knows how to separate twins, I know how to sew ’em back together.