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February 09, 2015
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Beyoncé understands that she is friends with a very intense man, but she still needs Kanye to cool it.

Hey, Kanye! Thanks again for sticking up for me at the Grammys. So nice of you! Listen though, stop it.

There are only two people you defend so vocally: yourself and me. Everyone understands it when you say arrogant things about yourself. You’re Kanye West. You’re a tiny man full of talent and brags, and we love you for it. But please, stop interrupting things on my behalf. It’s getting weird.

Jay and I consider you a close friend, but that’s all. I’m not sure what relationship you think you have with us that you have to defend me all the time. Do you think you are my bodyguard? My boyfriend? My big angry dog? You are none of those things and even if you were, I’m freaking Beyoncé. No one needs to defend me. I am basically God.

Besides, who are you defending me against? Taylor Swift? Beck? Might as well defend the sun against clouds. And come on, the Grammys? You know you and I are bigger than the Grammys, right? I could change the name of the Grammys to the Yoncys with one phone call, if it were worth getting down off this elephant for.

While we’re on the subject, here are some other things it would be great if you could stop doing.

  • Please stop sending us hand-crayoned drawings of me and Jay and Blue Ivy and you holding hands under a rainbow. We love you very much but you are not our baby.
  • Stop doing our taxes. You are an inexplicably great accountant but you really shouldn’t go to the trouble.
  • We gave you keys to the house in case of an emergency, not so you can come climb into bed with us. I should have brought this up much sooner but honestly I thought it would stop after you got married. It never occurred to me that Kim would also show up in PJs for “a snuggle.”
  • No need to call us every time you see a cool bird.
  • We have an extensive household staff. You do not need to come over every weekend to check our plumbing for leaks.
  • Just checked with Jay, he actually loves hearing about cool birds. So you can keep doing that.

I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings. You’re a musical genius and a good friend. I love you, I adore little North, and I am making progress at caring about Kim. All I’m asking is that you respect our boundaries. Otherwise I won’t be able to spend time with you anymore, and then my best friend would be Gwyneth Paltrow. I know you won’t do that to me.

You were totally right though, obviously. Beck should have given me his Grammy.

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