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July 20, 2013

Have you ever used a public restroom? Well here's how to use it better, you gross idiot!


       Hello friends, my name is Scott and I am a student at a college that's in a place. I work as a custodian at our student union building to make money during the summer, because beer isn't free. Unless you steal it from my neighbor Rick's house while he's sleeping because he never locks his door at night haha, that goofy quadriplegic. But in any case, I have noticed in my line of work that public bathrooms are pretty disgusting. Like, all the time. Lookin' at YOU, ALL HUMANS. So, since I know you are a human being because you are reading these human words that I'm typing, I'm pretty confident that I am reaching my target audience with this article. Unless, have science people taught like, monkeys or something how to read yet? Because that would be crazy awesome. Anyway, I am going to give you guys some tips on how to not be so disgusting in public restrooms, so listen up. Unless you are in fact a monkey that's reading this, then completely disregard the whole thing. Keep the hilarious poop-in-the-hand stuff up, I got no qualms my hairy friend.



This seems like an obvious one, right? Wrong, apparently. It is something that in my cleaning experience I have come to realize needs to be addressed. Let's first establish what I mean by "the bowl."  What I mean by "the bowl" is the part of the toilet that looks like a goddamn bowl, very unlike any other part of the toilet. The toilet seat is not included as part of the bowl, so that is not to be pooped on. This should not be too much of a problem, as the state-of-the-art toilets installed in my place of employment feature toilet seats equipped with a large hole in the center, for you to poop through. The seat is basically an enlarged, retractable rim that gives you extra surface area to stabalize your gigantic rear-end. (I know it's gigantic. It has to be, you are pooping in a public bathroom. Pooping in a public bathroom means it's an emergency shit. You don't have emergency shits without eating taquitos. And you don't eat taquitos without getting a fat ass.) The floor is also not a part of  the toilet bowl, so don't poop there either. Same goes for the wall of the stall, though I can't say a part of me doesn't admire your determination. Simply poop directly into the toilet bowl and VOILA! Our stray turd issue is now taken care of. This shit-hole is looking better already!



Or at least plan ahead. If halfway through wiping you think "Holy Gallagher dick, I'm going to need AT LEAST 7 more entire rolls of TP to clean this mess up," give her a courtesy flush. It happens to the best of us, and multiple flushes never hurt anyone (except maybe fishes but they have gills and stuff so whatever, yuck). Maybe going for the single-flush-feat is a matter of pride, but take it from me, trying to flush an entire Shortleaf Pine down a toilet in any form is not going to work. (You can take it from other people too, not just me. Like Paul Bunyan probably. He was a lumberjack so he knew about trees n' shit.) Hey! We took care of the clogged toilet problem now, too! No time to celebrate though, we still have more stuff to take care of, you unsanitary bastards.


Third: PEE ALL OF YOUR PEE INTO THE URINAL (Men are usually the culprits here)

So what, I have to stand and breathe AND aim my pee all at the same time now? You got it, bucko. That's what I'm calling you now. Bucko. So, bucko, urinals are the big white things along the wall that aren't standard toilets and aren't sinks. Most of them provide ample space for you to pee into without missing. It shouldn't be hard for adults. It's sort of like trying to stay inside the lines in a coloring book, except the consequences are much more dire. If you slip up coloring in Winnie the Pooh's shirt, whatever, there's just an extra little streak of Crayola Rusty Red hanging out in space now. Maybe Pooh just has a loose thread on that bad boy. No biggie, Eeyore can mend that up for him. He probably won't, though. Eeyore doesn't give a shit about anything. HOWEVER, if you miss the urinal with your urine, some real problems arise. Now you've covered the wall with water, inorganic salts, hormones, AIDS.... can you pee AIDS? Sure you can. You just peed your AIDS all over the wall. Now thousands of other innocent, bathroom-going civilians are breathing in your AIDS fumes that didn't get flushed because you got it all over the wall and floor instead of where it is supposed to go. Just pull up close, aim straight, and everyone will be happier and healthier and less AIDS-ier.


Fourth and final: WASH YOUR HANDS

Even though we discussed peeing in the urinal and you are going to be more careful now, it's inevitable that SOME of your urine is still going to go rogue. It's a fact of life. You are going to get  a little bit on your hands. So wash it off of your hands. If you don't wash it off of your hands, you are going to end up high-fiving other "fun dads" with your pee hands, because fun dads high-five all the time. (And wear visors still. Stupid fun dads and their pee hands. I hope they run into cool teens who go for the fist bump and those stupid fun dads awkwardly high-five their fist and they never become friends.) You will also get a little pee on your pants, too. This is unavoidable. It has been since the dawn of time. Jesus Christ himself even trickled a bit on those robes, this I know is true. Luckily this isn't as much of an issue, because people don't high-five each other in the pants, or at least not in public. Ladies, you aren't off the hook here. Remember number one on this list? The "don't poop wherever" rule? That hasn't been rectified yet. I can tell because I am literally still typing this right now so I know it hasn't gotten fixed because nobody can even read this yet. This means there is still poop, well, God knows where. Anywhere. Somebody definitely pooped on the flusher. So when you flush, you just touched some gnarly stranger feces. You totally need to wash your hands now young lady. So, spread the word. Tell your friends to always wash their hands after using the restroom. Especially ones named Doug. Those guys are the worst.


Well, hopefully you all take these bathroom etiquette tips to heart. They will not only make my job easier but will lead to a more enjoyable bathroom-using experience for you as well. Just remember: Keep poop in the bowl, don't overuse toilet paper, aim pee carefully, and wash your hands. Or don't, whatever. I'm not your dad... probably. Haha nah just kidding, I'm totally not. Probably.