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January 10, 2012

Danny Zuker(Writer/Executive Producer on the hit show Modern Family) told me he could use a black friend. These are a series of letters to show him exactly why I'm the only Black friend he needs.


Dear Danny Zuker,

Last week's Modern Family was hilarious. But You dont need me to tell you that right? How has your 2012 been so far? Because let me tell you my vanilla counterpart, mine has been pretty damn cool. I feel like there's been a lot of foreshadowing going on in my life, some that particularly came from our one way correspondences. 

For starters, I had a dream last monday that I had sex with the adorable Zooey Deschanel. Now whenever your subconscious serves you up a celebrity sex partner all you can do is hope it's someone you'd really want to partake in you know? And you can never go wrong with a white woman in my book, let alone a famous one. But here's the kicker D-Money. I went to a party Saturday night for my buddy Patrick Walsh's(writer/producer Two Broke Girls) birthday and I turn around and who is standing there? Zooey Deschanel. 

Now you can see how this would be akward for me. Do I tell her? Do I not? Well the few people who knew about my dream at the party kept encouraging me to tell her but being that she's a 5'5 famous white woman and I'm a 6'7 black guy wearing a white suit(easily identifiable to the police) I opted to exclude that fact from our short conversation as not to freak her out. So if she ever reads this that will be the only way she finds out. I just hope that wasn't the one night she was looking for a giant black man to hook up with and I dropped the ball.

Then to top that off, remember when we discussed Mad Men last week and the lack of black audience members? Well who else attended this star studded party? Christina Hendricks. She was very nice and even took a picture with me(which I'm awaiting from her husband Geoffrey Arend of ABC's Body of Proof to email me...). Now being that I'm black and don't watch Mad Men, I wasn't immediately aware of who she was but I did recognize her before my buddy Louis Peitzman put the pieces together for me. So I felt it would be great for our friendship if you could tell people your black friend took a picture with someone from Mad Men. 

The last exciting thing to happen to me last week was I got to interview Kate Beckinsale for her new movie Underworld Awakening and let me tell you, what a beautiful woman. And that British accent only amplifies it right? I mean, I would believe anything you tell me in a British accent because I'm like 98.6% sure you can't lie with a British accent. Toward the end of the interview after she validated my own attempt at a British accent, she said that I had the biggest hands of anyone she's ever interviewed with before placing her hand firmly against mine to compare measurement. 

Now seeing that i had Kate Beckinsale's DNA all over my hand, there was only one thing left to do. Go home and masturbate with that hand. Thought I was gonna go with clone? Naa too complicated. But now technically I can say I got a handy from  Kate Beckinsale with DNA evidence to prove it. Puts me in a great class with Len Weisman(current husband) and Michael Sheen(ex husband). 

So as you can see D-Zoo, it's been a great first week of Dub Dozen(that's a cool way to say 2012 I'm trying to start, feel free to spread that around a lot) and getting better. I feel like you want to give me a tour of the Modern Family set but may be too shy to ask. It's ok D-Block, I'm a nice guy. Yes, I accept your invitation and I look forward to our second meeting. Until next time my friend.


Your Black Friend.