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January 30, 2016

Local beauty contestant winner and international waif model Gretchen Von Rumeschtide has “really let herself go”.

By Christopher S Christakos

Port Stephens, NEW SOUTH WALES- Local beauty contestant winner and international waif model Gretchen Von Rumeschtide has “really let herself go” and exploded to a mind-bending 119lbs according to the greasy Australian tabloid news network Daily Wombat.

The Wombat reports that not one of the model’s ribs were visible in the most recent photo shoot taken at a remote location in the south Pacific, raising questions as to her waif model status and her future in the waif model community. Residents of the sleepy port side town of Port Stephens, where she grew up, are in utter disbelief.

“We used to be something over here,” laments Trudy Hammelnack, long time resident of Port Stephens. “We were known as the home of the hottest waif models in the world. Period. If that goes away well, what then? There isn’t anything else.” Little by little, local waif models have been eating more and more, threatening to eliminate a way of life and tradition going back centuries.

Abraham Livingston raised 6 daughters from Port Stephens that went on to have careers in waif modeling. Out of the 6 daughters, only one is below the dreaded threshold of 120 lbs. “I raised em’ right, raised em’ to respect the way of the waif,” he says through tears. “I’d still catch em’ with grapes or with some straw, some old onion skin, anything that might provide the least bit of sustenance and I’d slap it out of their mouths! I did it because I loved em’, did it for Port Stephens. Didn’t do a God-damned bit of difference.”

Its still unclear as to what happened to Gretchen or how she could have turned into the monster that some experts estimate weighs nearly 120lbs. There has been no word from Gretchen or the others as they know they cannot return to Port Stephens. Gretchen, like many before, will be doomed to a life of transient menial labor breaking up rocks or what not, until the unlikely day when 120lb models are de rigueur.