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Stats & Data

December 30, 2008


This will be a short but sweet blog entry, Im thinking.  I just had to relate this little ditty because it was so funny, and when youre on the south side of 55, memory quickly dwindles.

Let me set the scene.

My youngest son, Josh (Wimpy and the Burger Ploy), is fourteen and in Grade 9 at the local Catholic High school; you know, the kind with uniforms, strict rules and a shitload of homework. He is a very athletic kid, and so he hangs with boys of the same description.

Sports are Number One! Girls . . . well at that moment, I believe they were afterthoughts!

So, I was surprised when he asked me for the fifteen bucks to buy a ticket for the Semi-Formal Dance. Furthermore, I was set back again when he and his buddies were planning to go stag. These three buds include a set of hockey playing twins, and one of their hockey playing friends. Josh is the basketball star. All of them are lean and mean athletic boys. My wife calls them cuties!

When these four are together all you get are lots of wrestling, video gaming, foosball tournaments, farting and off color kibitzing.  Really they are pleasantly grounded, exceedingly funny, normal kids! Boys!

So its my job to transport this pubescent group of buddies to and from this semi-formal extravaganza. The first challenge is to wrestle Josh into wearing a shirt and tie – at the very least! After all the word is SEMI-FORMAL! He keeps saying, I dont care what I look like, geez!

When I pick up the other three they appear as if theyre ready to go to church. Im too used to seeing them in Hoodies and jeans, with bad hair and matching attitudes.

There were plenty of hilarious moments, but, the best parts of this experience for me were the pick up and drive home. You see, Ive learned that when youre a driver of a bunch of teenage kids, you keep your mouth shut, turn up the tunes and listen. They really can open up and sometimes act as if you arent even there. The conversation just flows!

So, here are some excerpts. (Ive changed the names to protect the innocent –except for Josh, of course!)

BILLY: Wheres my drink? I had a Monster when we left!

BOBBY: Joshs got it, dude!

BILLY: Give me my drink, Josh. Yur slurpin all over it!

JOSH: Hey, it was really hot in there and Im dying of thirst!

BILLY: Pass it over, dorkus!

A whole lot of pushing and shoving ensues, but I ignore it. At least the boys are into sharing.

JOSH: Hey, boys, I think I had the best dance card of the night!

BRIAN: Ya, mine was pretty good, too! I think we were tied!

BILLY: Ya, mine was a little lame, but close, I think!

BOBBY: Ya, Billy you didnt dance with any of the hot ones!

Holy crap, these little Romeos describe their night with the ladies by comparing “DANCE CARDS”! What’s with that? Hell, when I was in Grade 9 and attended High School dances, we walked in a great circle around the dance floor, trying to build up the courage to ask a girl to dance. Sometimes it never happened

BOBBY: Did you guys dance with, Becky?

JOSH: You mean the chick with the big nose?

BOBBY: Ya, she kept hitting me with it! How about you!

JOSH, BRIAN, BILLY: Ya, that was sick!

Oh, my gawd!

BRIAN: Did you dance with that heavy girl, whats her name!

BOBBY: Well, ya, why not, shes got a nice face!

BILLY: Ya, but dont let her step on your toes. OUCH!

OK, they’re crude, but they’re inclusive.

BOBBY: Wasnt that an eleventh grader you wee dancing with, Josh?

JOSH: Ya, she asked me!


BOBBY: Ya, she was really tall, eh!

JOSH: Ya, but I had a nice view!


And then the classic line was dropped. The one that actually had me laughing out loud!

BRIAN: Hey, Josh, did you dance with, Stephanie?

JOSH: Ya, I did her six times!

Say what?

My entire image of these four little rascals went out the window with the constant gas they were releasing.

Here I was, thinking these four sports nerds and video gamers would be standing in a corner, shaking in their sneakers, most of the night. (Ya, they thought sneakers were formal wear!) But no, these junior Lotharios were playing the room, bustin moves on the dance floor, and keeping track of their action on their mental DANCE CARDS.

Cuties! I think not!

Better have a nature talk with the boy, donchya think?

Birds, bees, and sensibilities!