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November 18, 2012

A real life fairy tale, about a man who embarks on a spiritual journey after witnessing something unexplainably majestic while watching the movie Road House. How Patrick Swayze inspired him to buy the Three Wolf Moon Tshirt which would forever change his life.

Last week I was watching a bootlegged directors cut of Roadhouse on my VCR, and I fast forwarded to the behind the scenes bonuses. I couldn't help but notice that Patrick Swayze was donning this effervescent three wolf moon shirt when training for all the fight scenes. Get this, apparently he would wear this during the actual filming because he refused to ever take it off. They allowed this to continue, and ended up using something called CGI to add less intimidating shirts in the movie. They said they didn't want the shirt in the film because just by wearing this piece of clothing it would look like he was cheating in the fights scenes, and they didn't want the shirt to steal the show. Smart. Legend has it, the only time he ever took it off was two days before he was diagnosed with cancer.

Anyway, this caught my interest initially, but I quickly forgot about it due to a severe head injury I suffered at the Renaissance fair when I attacked the Red Knight. However, it seemed the three wolf moon shirt didn't forget about me.  I guess the connection I made by witnessing Swayze rock them threads was stronger than I thought. I went online to AskJeeves to search for something for my ma, "DIY plan B pills" and AskJeeves ended up suggesting "did you mean three wolf moon shirt?" I declined but it got me wondering. Trying to think of my own remedy, no help from AskJeeves, I went outside to address our overflowing Port-A-Potty and clear my head.

I put the tank in the bed of the El Camino, and started driving to my aunt's house (this is where I typically empty it out). She's blind so it's super easy to get in and out without being noticed, and I'm still getting her back for when she took away my potato gun away for painting her dog orange and calling him General Lee. Besides, she never has proof of which neighbors Port-A-Potty tank was emptied on her lawn since everyone in my town has been living off KFC buckets and toaster strudels ever since the economy took a dump. No pun intended. Because of her heightened sense of smell, I make sure I don't wear any of my Dale Earnhardt #8 cologne before I go or else she'll recognize the smell of success and know its me. I worked 30 hours last month so everyone in town is lookin' for handouts. "Beers on Mista Wall Street" they'll say. So anyway, I pulled up to my Auntie Lorna's and parked. I got out of the car and there she was on the stoop, wearing the exact same three wolf moon shirt. She said "Hey Jasper, lookin' good tonight." How did she know it was me? I couldn't be sure, but somehow I think the shirt had given her back the gift of sight that Jesus had taken from her for having relations with a man of another ethnicity. I didn't know how to react.  I panicked and hopped back into the car. As I drove away, I looked in the rear-view and I saw Auntie Lorna howling at the moon, while demonstrating some of the finest Thai Chi moves I've seen since Swayze in Roadhouse. What was happening? What was this shirt?

I returned home quickly and couldn't help but notice my cousin Cletus' car in the driveway. I was shocked because Cletus hadn't left his trailer since 2001 when Stone Cold Steve Austin lost his WWE championship belt. Cletus took the loss pretty hard. We all did. I walked in and I saw him there in the kitchen sitting next to ma'. He stood up smilin' and to my surprise wearing the exact same three wolf moon shirt. He was glowing, even more than he does when he takes too many of his insulin shots. He said he was there helping out mama, and that she wasn't pregnant anymore. That wasn't all, she stood up and pointed at her legs, and wouldn't you know it, her once debilitating cankles were all gone. Did this mean that this was the end of having to give ma' piggy back rides when we went out to dinner? I didn't know how, but I knew Cletus and the three wolf moon shirt were responsible. I went to give him a hug and this once un-athletic, inadequate insulin producin' man had landed the most beautiful and swift kick to my face. He stood above me and said "wolves don't hug," and winked at me. Still thankful, I watched him as he left. As I did so, the wolves on the shirt gave a subtle wink back to me, never losing sight of the moon of course, and at that point I knew what I had to do. It was a sign. Just like the time my ex Tracy flipped me off at the railroad party and got hit by a train. So I ordered the shirt the other day and I am awaiting its arrival. I will keep ya'll posted of its effects as soon as it arrives.