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June 06, 2017

When you're at the beach and you hate absolutely everything about it. Here's what you can do.

Dig a Hole


An oldie, but a goodie. Dig a hole deep into the beach sand and get away from the harsh sun rays. Cover it with a towel or blanket for some added shielding and enjoy your cooling escape.

Expand Hole into Different Sections


There’s no point in stopping at just one hole. Multiply your space with a series of canals and winding halls leading to different areas diving deeper into the earth’s crust where there is little humidity and practically no sunlight at all.

Give Your Newly Formed Habitat a Name, Motto, Flag, Etc.


Now that you have the infrastructure in place it’s time to personalize it. Get creative and have fun sculpting the social persona for your dwelling. It’s about branding your creation and getting more ears and eyes on it, all awhile staying dry and cool.

Establish Set of Rules and Laws for Your Compound


Here’s where you really focus your movement. How do you, as a community, want to take on the summer? Will you be attempting a half year hibernation until it is winter again or maybe you’ll aim to destroy the sun entirely, a classic move. You’ll have many options to choose from that will lead to your complete avoidance of the summer.



It’s time to put your branding into good use! Coerce like-minded folks around you into joining your commune. Use your appealing flag and thought provoking motto to lure people into “the next step of their life”. For a recruitment to be successful, the recruited must feel in control of the decision to join.

“The Great Lesson”


It’s time to play your final card. Once the residences have taken home and nested in your domicile you may explain your actual goal of yes, you guessed it, destroying the sun. DO NOT admit to any desires of destroying the sun before this point, for it may scare away some of the weaker hearted residents. After this point it would be too hard to move again. I mean can you imagine moving twice in one week?

Begin Construction on Sun Destroying Laser


Now that your congregation is on board assign people positons and begin the process of constructing your sun destroying laser. Militaristic compound pro tip: The larger of your residences, because of their ability to intimidate, should be the ones sent to scavenge for materials.

Prepare for Doomsday


After destroying the sun and ultimately ending the summer forever you will have to deal with the not-so-great aspects of life without a sun. It is a short list, but at the top of it is finding food. I hope you enjoy canned goods.



People will die and they will die quickly. You must counter this natural outcome of a doomsday by reproducing as quickly and efficiently as possible. This will of course remove most if not all of the love and affection associated with sex, but you won’t be sorry when you’re as cool as a cucumber.

Activate Sun Destroying Laser


Dang, it’s time to reap the benefits of your work. Flip the switch and in a matter of minutes take back the world you were cruelly exiled from. Watch as the sun falls from the sky, the oceans come to a slow stir, and the temperature drops to a cool -100 degrees Fahrenheit. Finally, enjoy the exceptional weather and new views as your planet is flung outward into the ever expanding deep cold dark universe.