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May 04, 2012

Attempting to explain why he couldn't rise to the occasion.

So I meet this girl at a bar last weekend, and after drinking heavily for a few hours, proceed to go back to her place. Pretty awesome?…Yes. Well we start messing around or whatever and things were grand but when it bumped up a notch and push came to shove, I simply couldn’t rise to the occasion, if you know what I mean. I just couldn’t get a full mast. My little general wouldn't stand at attention. Say what you want, but that shit happens, it’s not just me. She says, “Ooohhh you’ve got whiskey dick.” Okay, clearly what she said shouldn’t have pissed me off so bad but it definitely did. I had heard that term multiple times before and hated it with a fiery passion. “What? That’s bullshit” I screamed. “I hate whiskey! How dare you accuse me of that!” And she’s like, “uh uh I…uh, but, uh.”

You see, ever since the first time I drank whisky I swore that shit off, one and done. It was actually probably the first time I ever got shitty back in the day, and boy did I ever…get shitty. Until then, I had never drank any hard alcohol in my life and had only gotten a few light buzzes from beer in the past that, at the time, I assumed to be full fledged drunkenness, but apparently, I had no idea. Needless to say, a grasp of how much hard A it took to drunken me was definitely not obtained by that point, and coupled with how surprised I was to see that jack and coke tastes exactly like coke, it was clearly not a solid combination by any means. “Yeah pour me another!” I yelled as my moron friend, who was just as oblivious as I, poured my 10th cup of generously prepared tall jack and cokes in the first 15 minutes of our “Night of boozing.” The fact that whisky takes a minute to hit you and comes on slow didn’t bode well either as it ended up striking me like a cowboy boot to the balls a mere 3 minutes after my last cup.

Previously my tolerance had been so low that I got wasted in the market just watching my older brother buy the God dam bottle earlier that day, so as you can imagine, I wasn’t doing too well. I blacked out hardcore pretty immediately and woke up the next morning next to a guy named Miracle bleeding from the back of my head and nipples with a sore asshole. I mean, no, wait, what? Geez that was weird, I didn’t mean to…ya know, say that. Anyway, I blacked out for at least a day, and after getting two full night sleeps, I was still drunk the third day and the apocalyptic hangover on the fourth day was borderline the worst thing ever. I probably did get poisoned alcoholically and definitely should have gone to the hospital but all in all, I did survive, so that's dece.

You understand I hate whiskey, so why does the phrase have to be “whisky dick?” Other drinks will drive you to lake flaccid as well. Why can't we use another beverage? Doseques dick, how bout that? That’s sounds surprisingly awesome. Smirnoff dick, a little weird but would certainly work. Gin dick, that’s fun to say, gin dick, gin dick, gin dick. Wine dick, its like, would you like some cheese with that wine…dick. That makes sense I swear. Beer dick, fantastic, Brandy dick, cool. Captain Morgan’s dick, awesome…actually no, that would sound pretty gay I’m realizing now…um okay, let’s see, Mikes Hard d…no, that would be clearly worse…uh…Wild Turkey’s dick…no, come on, we don’t need…any bestiality. Um, Jesus…okay let me think here…Beefeater di…No! Okay, ya know what, I’m obviously not thinking clearly right now, I’ll come up with a more heterosexual name later but for now I guess I’ll just call it like whisky dick or something…ya that sounds good, whisky dick it is.…………………Dammit! No!

Michael Sisto