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It’s safe to say I’ve held numerous ‘Odd Jobs’ over the years. In fact, I honestly can’t even count how many W-9’s I’ve filled out, and how I’m still not sure if I’m doing it right. At some point you could have found me:

Bagging groceries at the Local Supermarket, then waiting for mother to pick me up in the dead of winter after my shift, being too young to drive.

Sweeping hair off floor at the town Barbershop. 

Restocking shelves at a Museum Gift Shop.

French serving garam tolias (hot towels) to restaurant patrons at an Upscale Indian Restaurant. 

.. all for the dollar dollar bill, y’all.

But it’s nice to finally enjoy my job for once. Not to say that I didn’t experience true pleasure while serving pork chops to Christine Baranski, an actual diva, that one time I was a caterer for two years. 

During my dirt-poor, disheveled diva days, I’d usually have to run all my errands in the morning, before work, then work all day at one job, then work all night catering, then, at some point, try to find time to write. And have a social life. 

Here’s a glimpse of the life I lead, back in the day. 

Friday, November 13th, 2009

Got out of bed, slowly, to avoid any dizziness caused by standing up too fast.

Glance at self in mirror.

Shudder in fright.

Look at clock.

Have allowed self 5 minutes to bathe, pick out attire, paint on face, brush hair and teeth, pack tuxedo. Awesome.

Walk to train. On the way, drop off new $7 dress at the Tailor because oddly, there was a giant hole in it.

Get on train. Wait 45minutes. Get off train. Walk 5minutes. Enter office. Make coffee. Drink coffee.

Ah! Ready for action!

Write 14-15 urgent e-mails! Make 6-7 important phone calls! Research significant things! Twiddle thumbs! Look at clock! Damn… It’s only been 20minutes.

Enter meeting. Sit in meeting. Text with friend re: each others bowel movements. Ah, friendship. Try with all power to not let laugh escape mouth during meeting.

Think about lunch. E-mail co-workers about lunch. Stare at desk neighbors while they eat lunch. Research lunch options online.  

Make List of Things To Do.

Text.

Facebook.

Tweet. 

Look over List of Things to Do.

Text.

Facebook.

Tweet. 

Think about items on List of Things To Do.

Too cheap to pay for lunch delivery. Walk to portable truck and purchase lunch.

Return with lunch.

Eat lunch at desk.

Text.

Facebook.

Tweet.

Spill Italian dressing all over List of Things To Do.

Write new List of Things To Do.

Stare out window at view of brick building. Wonder how many bricks it takes to make a brick building?

Look at clock.

Gaze at clouds in sky. Ponder meaning of life.

Look at clock. Oh, wow. Just wasted 45minutes. May have dozed off. Can’t be sure

Need more coffee. Make coffee. Drink coffee.

Ah! Ready to rumble!

Write 14-15 urgent e-mails! Research significant things! Make 6-7 important phone calls! Twiddle thumbs! Look at clock! Sweet! Time to go!

Change into full tuxedo in ladies room. Skip to train. Cater until 2:30AM… 

Saturday, November 14th, 2009

Pick up dress at Tailor. Pay $8 to get hole fixed. Awesome. More than the cost of entire dress itself. Pay in pennies. 

Saunter home.  

Hang up dress. Notice new hole, on opposite side of dress.

Search for receipt. Fuck. Threw away recipt out of hatred of receipts. Waste of paper, really. But handy in situations like these, I guess…

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

Give dress to Goodwill. 

Pat self on back. 

Eat cold white rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Cry self to sleep…

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