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February 23, 2016

Beyonce's Super Bowl 50 Half-Time performance was great. But let's not forget about New Kids on the Block's 1991 show.

Beyonce’s halftime performance during Super Bowl 50 has been the subject of both much praise and criticism over the last few weeks. A group of people has tried to start an Anti-Beyonce campaign calling her act a “race-baiting stunt”.

Before Beyonce’s highly talked about performance there was last year’s Left Shark.


Before that, we had Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction”.

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But what about before that? I’ll tell you what. Disney characters, singing children, and New Kids on the Block. No, this isn’t an episode of Mickey Mouse Club. It’s the 1991 Super Bowl Half-Time Show!

Ah yes, now THIS is a Super Bowl halftime performance. No suggestive lyrics. No progressive undertones. No provocative wardrobes. Just good old fashioned boy band talent performed at the highest level. This is something all of America can get behind.


Mickey Mouse, if you’re reading this, I just want to start out by saying I’m a huge fan. You got me through some tough times, especially in college.When my first girlfriend broke up with me, I must’ve watched your Steamboat Willie performance over a hundred times. Secondly, thank you for sparing us any B.S. with your 1991 Super Bowl outfit. I mean finally somebody gets it. We’re here to watch an American game on American turf. We don’t need any glitz or glamour. All we need are those stars and stripes, baby.


Can’t forget those rowdy neighbors up north! What a perfect casting call getting THE Winnie the Pooh to play the part of Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer #1. He’s an empty-headed yet thoughtful creature that gets along with everyone. If that doesn’t scream Canada, I don’t know what does.

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Now we’re talking! Now that we’ve seen a bunch of white children accurately depict every ethnicity while singing “We are the World”, it’s time for the real show. New Kids on the fuckin’ Block. Hey Beyonce, I hope your background dancers are watching because this is how you choreograph some moves.

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It’s weird, just as I was thinking, “This show is good and all, but it could really use some Jordan Knight breaking it down between a leprechaun and a pirate” the Kids deliver! I’d like to say I’m surprised, but when has NKOTB ever let anyone down? Think they were going to make an exception tonight? In front of the world’s largest TV viewing audience? Fat chance.


Super Bowl Director: Ah shit! I knew we left someone out. Quick! Cut to camera 8! We forgot Spain! Oh my God! Who’s that kid to the left? What a phenomenal haircut. Susan, find me the name of that kid with the incredible hairdo. We’re gonna make him a star!

And that is how Sia got her first big break.