Letter #1 From Comcast
Dear Comcast High Speed Internet Subscriber,
Comcast has received no notifications of copyright infringement made on your Comcast High Speed Internet IP address, however we have received some troubling information. The file listed below was legally downloaded to your IP address through iTunes:
Jack and Jill (2011)
The file of this film is in direct violation of Comcast’s Acceptable Use Policy. The policy states that the streaming or download of any film in which Adam Sandler plays two characters or a female is strictly prohibited. The streaming or download of this film creates an excessive and unnecessary use of bandwidth, which in turn slows down the High Speed network for other users.
Please delete the file from your computer’s hard drive and douse any CDs, DVDs, or floppies containing the file with lighter fluid and burn until complete disintegration. A Comcast representative will be sent to your house sometime between the hours of 1 AM and 12 AM on the days Monday through Sunday to make sure that your disposal is in accordance with the stated guidelines.
Finally, in the enclosed envelope, please enclose a check for $300 made payable to The Comcast Corporation to atone for your misuse of Comcast services.
Comcast Legal Response Center
We see that you also downloaded The Zookeeper, which is frowned upon. We recommend that you stream movies like this instead, because honestly, how many times are you going to watch The Zookeeper? Keep in mind that you’re not just paying for these films with money, but with valuable hard drive space and bandwidth usage.
Letter #2 From iTunes
Dear iTunes Customer,
It appears that the film Jack and Jill was added to your list of purchased items from the iTunes store. We at iTunes were concerned that your account had been hacked until we saw the following review posted on 1/15/2012:
It was okay, I guess. Not a horrible way to spend an hour and a half.
Due to this blatantly false review, iTunes has forbidden your account from posting any future reviews. It turns out that your review is the only moderately positive review to be found on the whole Internet. As you can imagine, your review could create much negative publicity for iTunes. Therefore we hope you understand our decision to ban your account from reviewing any other movies, music, or apps from the iTunes store. We have also contacted Amazon, YouTube, IMDB, and Rotten Tomatoes to make them aware of any future untrustworthy reviews that may come from an account associated with your name.
Contrary to popular belief, we at iTunes sometimes encourage users to illegally download movies. We encourage illegal downloads only for movies that receive high levels of negative review and movies that are generally regarded as being among the worst “films” ever made. We don’t want to be able to say that we made money off of the assault on America that is Jack and Jill, just like you don’t want to say you spent your money on it. To make your user experience easier, some links to illegal downloads for movies that you may be interested in are listed below:
Notice that these illegal links are direct downloads and not torrents. How dumb would you have to be to download torrents now days? Well, probably dumb enough to pay money for Jack and Jill.
The iTunes Store Security Team
Letter #3 From Your Parents
While we were visiting your apartment last week, we discovered a very disturbing file on your computer. When you got up to go to the bathroom, your father thought he would check his email on your laptop. He made one click and a very lewd and appalling video started playing. Much to our shock, it was that god-awful Adam Sandler movie Jack And Jill. Your father tried pushing buttons to stop it, but Adam Sandler’s shrieking voice kept getting louder and louder until we were finally able to stop it. At this point we would make any excuse to leave, so we said we had to go feed our cat Freddy, who had been dead for months by then.
We consider ourselves to be open-minded, however, we don’t feel that your new lifestyle of Happy Madison movie viewing is in accordance with the values of which we raised you. Sure, we both experimented with Adam Sandler and Happy Madison movies in college, but that was a phase we grew out of. You are a full-fledged grown up now; we only wish that your taste in movies was grown up as well. If it’s Sandler you must have, then there are acceptable alternatives like Punch Drunk Love and Funny People.
It is with much consideration that we have decided to no longer give you money or help pay for your rent. It pains us that our money could be spent on such filth as Jack And Jill. However, we are willing to pay for a psychologist or rehabilitation program for you to sort though the issues that would lead to such an action as watching Jack and Jill. Your aunt even mentioned a program called Pray Away The Boucher. It’s named after that Adam Sandler Waterboy character Bobby Boucher, and they meet once a week to pray that they’ll never watch another movie where Sandler talks in a weird voice.
We look forward to hearing from you, but we just need sometime to process that our son willingly watched Jack and Jill.
Mom and Dad
By the way, your cat Freddy passed away