...Album ever: "A Chris Gaines Hanukkah"
...type of cancer to get: Soul cancer. Wait, sorry I spelled it wrong...sole cancer, on your feet...because it would probably be a pain to walk.
...porno movie ever: "Jimmie 'J.J.' Walker's Melancholy Masturbation!"
...idea for a breakfast cereal: "Hom-O's"
...cover of an AC/DC song ever: the guy who works at my Post Office singing/mumbling "Hell's Bells" while he gets me a book of stamps, until he starts weeping.
...thing to say on a date: "Hello, Kathy Griffin".
...thing to put in your eye: a giant, sharp stick dipped in AIDS.
...person to ask for marital advice: Toucan Sam, since he's only a fictional, cartoon bird.
...Grey's Anatomy doctor: McSodomy
...career move ever: Steve Irwin stabbing himself in the heart with a stingray, just "to show that I kick ass so hard".