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October 09, 2008


Dear Senator McCain,

Like many Americans I greatly respect your service to this country both as a Navy seaman and as a member of the Senate. Few citizens have given back to the United States of America the way you have, sir.

However, I was greatly concerned that your choice of Governor Sarah Palin as your running mate showed serious lapses in your judgement and ability to lead this country in such a turbulent time. I understand that her 'maverick' label and her unfamiliarity with Washington politics was part of what drew you to her, but I believed, like many, that when you hire someone for a position, it is important that they have some manner of qualification for that job. Governor Palin seemed over her head and unable to do anything but dispense cliched jokes and smile pretty under serious questioning in a way that makes true feminists dry heave.

But as I watched Governor Palin being interviewed by Katie Couric, a funny thing happened. I realized that Governor Palin's qualifications are not on paper. She may be short in practical experience and knowledge, but she possesses the intangibles to get the job done. Yes, she has been criticized for having no quantifiable foreign policy experience, but you saw through that facade, which shows your will to go with your gut in the face of what some America-hating Liberals have called 'overwhelming evidence.' Seriously, how many people live close enough to the Russians to literally keep an eye on them? Not many, and all of them live in Alaska, and given that she is the elected leader of the people of Alaska, I now see the genius in choosing Sarah Palin to what is the 2nd most powerful leadership position on the planet. I no longer question your ability to lead, Senator McCain. In fact I wish to be part of your administration.

Senator McCain, I would like to be your Head of Intelligence. Like Governor Palin, my qualifications cannot be measured on a trivial pedestrian resume. I am a quick learner, and I have watched every James Bond film multiple times, even the goddawful Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton movies. Yes, even License to Kill. Four times and if need be I'd watch it again. That's the kind of sacrifice I'm willing to make for my country, sir. It's the kind of sacrifice the American people demand and deserve from their leaders. I know many facts about the James Bond series, and what I don't know I can quickly find on Wikipedia or other Internet source. I have also logged extensive viewing time with Mission Impossible, 24, and Chuck, which is new, but pretty good. Not as good as NBC wants to convince viewers, but it's watchable, I recommend it if you have free time on Monday night or TiVo. I am also highly-skilled at keeping secrets. I would list some of the secrets I am currently keeping, but they're secrets. I'm sure you understand.  

Do these things make me over-qualified to lead the nation's security and intelligence networks? Wouldn't someone who'd only seen the Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan movies and merely owned several stylish suits be a more logical choice for Head of Intelligence? It's a fair question, but I strongly believe that I will be able to dumb myself down enough to lead the CIA, NSA, and FBI. I'm willing to put in the long hours for my country to teach the intelligence community what I know.

It is with great respect that I offer myself to your pending administration, senator, and I'm sure when you check my background extensively... as you did with Governor Palin, you will discover that I appear to be more qualified to be Secretary of Treasury than Head of Intelligence. And I'm not embarrassed to tell you that I am qualified as it is self-evident. I have seven dollars in my wallet and I routinely pay bills... most of them, on time. I mean I'm practically already Secretary of Treasury. However, I believe that I can help the country more as Head of Intelligence. Plus, in all honesty there's not enough money on the planet for me to want to be the next Secretary of Treasury. I mean, seriously, why not just rub raw steaks all over me and shove me in the tiger exhibit at the zoon. Know what I'm sayin? Of course you do.


I look forward to your reply, Senator. Keep up the fight. And above all God Bless America.