"Be still, my dog of war. I understand your pain. But we do it my way. We do it my way."
"Day 4: How To Get A Face-Full of Rotwang Venom"
Day 4 of my week as the featured blogger on the funnyordie.com homepage. Thanks to Eric Appel, who managed to debate me last night without calling me an asshole, asswipe, or any other ass-related derogatory terms. In all seriousness, our debate in the comments of my last entry is probably the fruit of this week. It's much more interesting that any of my actual blog entries with stupid cat pictures or whatever crap. FOD you should've just put eric and I in the same forum thread and said "GO" and it would've saved me the trouble of all this blogging. There's an old Steven Wright joke, "For my birthday someone gave me a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and turned them on, figured I'd let em just fight it out."
Today's entry I wrote on Sunday, it was the second blog post I wrote for this week. And I'm going to paste it here, more or less word-for-word. As an act of, like, poetic purity. And also because I don't want to come up with something new. Here it is:
Ok... hold on...
yea I know I'm on the air and the blog post has begun, just bear with me...
I need to find my... can opener...
I'm going to need to load up the glands behind my fangs for this, so hold on...
there. found it...
Today I lay down some Rotwang venom, internet tough guy style.
Today I will rattle off the top three ways to instantly get (one measly) die vote from Rotwang, and a blast of (ineffectual) Rotwang Venom (TM) underneath your video.
Steal someone else's idea.
If you see a video that's blatantly a copy of someone else's idea, it's your duty as a proud citizen of the internet to speak up and expose it. Unlike my world, the comedy world doesn't have patents. Only copyrights. Don't let that shit go by.
You've all gotta see this video of Joe Rogan busting Ned Holness (aka "Carlos Mencia")
I'm impressed with Joe for not slamming the guy up against a wall like George Lopez did- Joe is an MMA guy (I go to MMA classes at my gym, not that I'm anywhere near as tough as he is). I don't hit people unless they hit me first, and I respect that Joe could totally go physical on this guy but chose not to.
FOD accidentally stole an idea (it's more unfortunate coincidence than malicious, I think) from CollegeHumor.com for the "Ed Hardy Boys" piece. But it seems to be legitimately accidental- the two groups were working on the same (lame) idea at the same time. So I don't think FOD "stole" it per se. Still, someone made the decision to release it anyway, I guess.
Recycle old material, or an old, tired, overdone concept.
a) Rap Parodies are DEAD. It was funny when SNL did Lazy Sunday. It was funny when Jon Lajoie did Every Day Normal Guy. But even he put the nail in that coffin with Everyday Normal Crew.
b) Seriously, how many goddamned versions of this do we have to see?
I hate that these get stars and high ratings. It's been done, and it's easy to do.
c) Kevin Nealon was on Conan a few years ago, maybe 2006. He did his routine about reviewing porn "interested... interested... VERY interested... and then suddenly not interested". I watched that and I thought "wait, didn't he do that on SNL? He hasn't been an SNL cast member for like TEN years." You're regurgitating material from TEN years ago, Kevin? SERIOUSLY?
d) In the Ed Hardy Boys sketch I mentioned above- that Nick Kroll keeps doing that "Bobby Bottleservice" routine. How man damn times...STOP. Get a new act.
And the number 1 way to get a die vote:
Here we go....
My first ever blog post (which I thought would be my only blog post) was exposing some big time comment spammers here on FOD. When you see something because of spam, just vote die and don't watch it.
But I want to talk about one spammer in particular. The king. He goes by (at least) three names- ohcm, GoddamnitFilms, and JayKron. The ohcm account does the comment spamming. 20 pages of it.
On top of that, he posts complimentary comments from the ohcm account underneath (his own) videos on the GodDamnitFilms account. Here's one of his vids:
When I called him about on the Javkron account, in that comment thread above, he started rapidly posting comments with the Javkron account, to make it seem more legit. But he goofed- the time gaps between each comment weren't even long enough to have watched those videos.
But ignore the JavKron account for a second- the fact that ohcm complimented GodDamnitFilms is enough of an act of public masturbation to condemn this guy.
And hey FOD, you're hands aren't clean here- You posted that video on the homepage. Don't put spammers on the homepage, FOD. I don't have to be Mr. Internet Expert Guy to tell you that internet users hate spam, ok.
Admittedly that's only one video out of hundreds FOD puts up per year, so if it's just a mistake, ok, fine, I'd make the same mistake once a year if I ran FOD too. But even still- I'm not seeing these spam comments get deleted. Like, ever. Have your intern spend an hour a day, it's really not that hard to fix this problem, and it's been gradually getting worse for like the past year, FOD.
Yes, it's your site, not mine. You want to just let the weeds grow freely in your neglected garden, well I can't stop you.
So there's my top 3 list. I want to point out what's noticeably absent from this list:
PISS OFF ROTWANG.
You know why that's not on the list? Because any insult directed at me will NOT affect my opinion of someone's work. Inversely, if someone's nice to me, I won't start saying positive things about their work, either. (As stated in my "I am Rotwang" entry- "Any honest criticism of a work, no matter how harsh, is an act of benevolence, not malice.")
I'll give two examples- FOD users that I hate who make damn good work, and I say so in spite of hating them:
Seth Morris. Seth Morris is hugely talented and makes great videos. I really can't wrap my brain around the fact that Seth makes political videos (he did that Uncle Sam) series, and yet when I criticized his video, he immediately called me a cunt. And it wasn't like our argument "dissolved" into him calling me a cunt (followed by a "fat virgin"), he, like, went right to that, immediately. The first and second responses: "Rotwang (you cunt) it's clear you don't like this site. Consider not coming to it anymore." and: "Pry your pasty, virgin ass out of your special Sky Maul chair, get in your fat-guy-scooter and drive it off a cliff (or a curb). You are stupid dumb-dumb and also a jerk." How can a guy make political videos and yet not have a better mode of argument? Still, Seth makes good videos, so he's example number 1.
Amy Phillips. She did a video with Perez Hilton. I'm not even going to get into the gay marriage issue here, because it doesn't matter for what I'm saying. Whether you're in favor of gay marriage or against it, Perez Hilton is a careless self-indulgent childish name-caller. Speaking of namecalling, Perez called Prejean a "cunt", and a "bitch", on his blog, the day after the pageant. Amy Phillips, you're a woman, how do you feel about being so desperate for views that you worked with a guy who called a woman a cunt because she carefully stated the majority opinion of her state? If you're working with Perez Hilton, you're an opportunist.
Still, Amy is like ridiculously talented. Just really, really good.
Alright, that was what I wrote on Sunday. My venom glands are dry.
And just to make this a running joke: