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"CHARLIE SHEEN: TURN OFF THE DARK!"

By Michael Lake

 

 

ANNOUNCER

This past week, Charlie Sheen’s new one-man show “My Violent Torpedo of Truth” premiered in Detroit to mixed reviews. But “mixed” is just not good enough for this warlock. So he’s made a few changes. His new show is going to be bigger, badder, bitchin-er. Coming soon to a stage near you...it’s... Charlie Sheen in “CHARLIE SHEEN: TURN OFF THE DARK!”

 

(CUT TO: CHARLIE SHEEN WEARING A SPIDER-MAN COSTUME)

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

Duh! Spinning!

 

(HE FLICKS HIS WRIST)

 

ANNOUNCER

Get ready for the most violently dangerous show-stopper of the season. Written by Charlie Sheen, directed by Charlie Sheen and starring Charlie Sheen as the bi-winning Peter Parker slash Spider-Man!

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

I got bit by this spider, man. And now I’m a Spider-Man. I’m going to go beat up a bunch of bad guys and nay-sayers and Communists, because I got spider blood!

 

ANNOUNCER

Featuring Lindsay Lohan as his love interest, Mary Jane!

 

(CUT TO: LINDSAY LOHAN, CLEARLY A LITTLE COKED UP, HANDS ON HIPS, GIVING A MONOLOGUE. CHARLIE SHEEN LOOKS UPON, HOLDING A CAMERA)

 

LINDSAY LOHAN

Peter, this guy named Spider-Man saved my life twice...TWICE! And I’ve never even seen his face! He’s like part Spider, and part man, and he hangs upside down, and I bet he can do everything a spider can!

 

(CHARLIE SNAPS A PHOTO)

 

LINDSAY LOHAN

GET THAT F---ING CAMERA OUT OF MY F---ING FACE! Oh, sorry I forgot!

 

ANNOUNCER

Of course, James Franco will be reprising his role from the movie, because he just has to do everything these days. But playing his dad, the Green Goblin, will be...GARY BUSEY!

 

(CUT TO: GARY BUSEY IN THE GREEN GOBLIN COSTUME)

 

GARY BUSEY

Spider-Man, if you don’t do what I ask you to do, I’m going to kill a bunch of people. Because I am a goblin. “Gary Outrageous Busy Leaps In Nylon”! G-O-B-L-I-N! I sure love acronyms! Goblin!

 

ANNOUNCER

We promise more flashy lights, more backflips, and sure as hell MORE CONCUSSIONS! Also featuring... Nadya Suleman as Doctor Octo-Mom!

 

(CUT TO: NADYA SULEMAN CARRYING SEVERAL BABIES. CHARLIE SHEEN APPROACHES HER)

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

Wow, you don’t look too bad. 14 kids, eh...what say we make it an even 15?

 

ANNOUNCER

Warning: This show will melt your face off. Your brain will explode! Your children will weep over your exploded body! Featuring a soundtrack by Chris Brown!

 

(SFX : A MISHMASH OF INCOHERENT SCREAMING)

 

 

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

“CHARLIE SHEEN: TURN OFF THE DARK!” The first two rows WILL get wet...with TRUTH! 1 dollar from every ticket goes towards feeding the hungry...that is to say, Charlie Sheen’s goddess girlfriends!

 

(CUT TO: CHARLIES’ TWO GODDESS GIRLFRIENDS DANCING, RIPPING UP A POSTER OF “TWO AND A HALF MEN”)

 

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

Also featuring... Jon Cryer as Uncle Ben!

 

(CUT TO: JON CRYER, IN THE UNCLE BEN COSTUME)

 

JON CRYER

A paycheck’s a paycheck, right?

 

(A MASKED ASSAILANT RUNS UP TO HIM AND STABS HIM. HE FALLS OVER)

 

JON CRYER (CONT'D)

Oohhhh....

 

ANNOUNCER

And because a touring show in 50 major cities just isn’t enough, Charlie Sheen will perform this show ANYWHERE YOU WANT. Look for “TURN OFF THE DARK” to be performed at your local news outlet! At your local supermarket! EVEN ON YOUR STREET CORNER!

 

(CUT TO: CHARLIE SHEEN STANDING, IN COSTUME, ON A STREETCORNER)

 

CHARLIE SHEEN

With great power, comes this great, bitchin’ rock star life, and I am just going to embrace it violently, and love it violently, through violent hatred.

 

ANNOUNCER

“CHARLIE SHEEN: TURN OFF THE DARK”! Running indefinitely until the day of Reckoning! There are absolutely NO refunds, you pansy!

 

(OUT)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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