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August 14, 2017

As President Donald Trump explains, there are often "many sides" to an argument, be it in a white supremacy rally or classic '80s movies.

On Saturday, President Donald Trump delivered a statement on the tragic events in Charlottesville, Virginia, calling out violence “on many sides” at the white nationalist rally and counter-protest. After a lukewarm condemnation yesterday, earlier today Trump reiterated his initial position at a press conference, pinning the blame for the conflict on both white supremacists as well as the “alt-left.” Trump is now back to his usual pastime of channel-surfing, and he’s weighed in on who’s to blame for the conflict in a bunch of ‘80s movies he caught on TV.


The Goonies.People from many sides were trying to get to that pirate treasure, Fratellis AND Goonies!”


The Breakfast Club. “Principal Vernon: NOT NICE. Bender is a CRIMINAL. Please don’t be too nice to this thug, Principal Vernon. He accused you of raiding Barry Manilow’s wardrobe which isn’t true and is a WITCH HUNT.”


Back to the Future. “Biff is hardworking, industrious guy who shoved some people, but by no means should George McFly have punched him in the face. I condemn the violence from both sides!”


Raiders of the Lost Ark. “People on many sides were trying to get to the Arc of the Covenant.”


E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial.E.T.‘s home planet, they’re not sending their best. They send their football-headed monsters who break into homes and eat all of our Reese’s Pieces! Sad! And then you’ve got the big government spooks who come in with their regulations and orders to test the E.T., and the kids on their bikes who run away and fly into the sky. Not good hombres!”


Fatal Attraction.Lots of folks on many sides boiling rabbits.”


Top Gun. “Shooting from here, AND there. America is not so innocent, you know!”


A Nightmare on Elm Street.There was much dream haunting and sleep murder on both sides. Bad!”


The Karate Kid.Cobra Kai: Bad! Crane kick: not allowed! Everybody is a bad guy. Kicking and punching from MANY SIDES!”


Return of the Jedi.Blowing up Death Stars and Ewok celebrations. Empire not good. Bad on many sides. Bad bad bad bad BAD!”


Red Dawn.Not the Russians.”