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May 09, 2017
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"It's the time of the year where thousands of red-sided garter snakes wake up from hibernation to mate in a crazy orgy. I have to admit, I am aroused by a pile of snakes getting all frisky."

Every year at theNarcisse Snake Dens in Manitoba, snakes wake from hibernation and participate in a group mating session. As an environmental scientist, this yearly occurrence is always very interesting to study. It also gets me so damn turned on I can barely control myself.

This phenomena is commonly referred to, in the science community, as the “Mating Ball.” Personally, I like to refer to it as the “Snake Porn Jackpot.” Thousands of red-sided garter snakes slip and slither around a pit making passionate, consenting advances on one another. Boy oh boy, wouldn’t I be lucky to “accidentally” fall in that pit of horny snakes? I think so.

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look at them go

I love researching these snakes. Over the past half a decade, my studies have concluded that a common male red-sided garter snake loses up to twenty percent of it’s daily energy once it has ejaculated. Could you imagine? Twenty percent. Those are some tired but satisfied boys.

The snakes do all this to create the highest volume of offspring as possible, considering the majority will not make it through the cold Canadian winter. I’d roll the dice of surviving the cold months to be able to, just once, be a part of this beautiful natural display of group love making.

Darn it all! I can’t keep doing this. I have to stop coming to these dens. I know my research is important, however, I am just so offensively aroused by the sight of a pile of snakes rolling around on each other. These serpents are a blessing and a curse. AGGGHHH!

This “Snake Porn Jackpot” can last up to eight weeks. As a professional ophiologist, I would encourage anyone interested in the study of reptiles to observe this annual occurrence. By viewing their behavior, we learn both how to preserve their species and the lengths at which animals go to for survival. As a man, well, all I can say is this: These snakes make me randy as hell. Curse you God for creating something so beautiful just to tease me.

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